Today's journal page...I am staying just above the surface!
BE WELL
Riding the waves...
I am taking an online class...and this is my journal page for today...
I am feeling a bit like I am stuck in the sand...as if I can't seem to ride
with the waves...
So, as a friend told me this morning....perhaps it is just time to float!
Because I know that LIFE is this moment...NOW. And that I must live it to the fullest...each and every day...
BE WELL.
Marc Dana Lane
My good friend, Marc transitioned on Thursday, July 14th at 9:29 PM...Marc was the devoted husband to my friend, Lori and the father to 7 children (one, Mary who transitioned after 10 hours of life),and the grandfather to 9. Marc was an adventurer of life, one of the most intelligent people I have ever had the pleasure to meet, one of the most caring people with the sense of humor that is both sarcastic and funny! I have been friends with Marc for more than 50 years...meeting him in grammar school and maintaining a friendship throughout. He and his wife Lori have opened up their home to me to live in several times when I was going through a rough patch...they have opened up their hearts to me always. My heart now bares another hole that somehow I must mend...there was no time to prepare...and little time to even say good-bye...I am so glad I traveled to his home several weeks ago so I could actually see him and talk briefly with him. I had the honor to be at his side along with his family on Thursday. It was a peaceful passing...I have stayed with the family for several days as they try to move past the numbness...I will travel back when they celebrate his life...there was a gathering just for family and a few friends on Saturday the 16th. I will forever hear him say..."HELLO TOOTS" with his wide smile...whenever I walk into his home...he will be dearly missed by me...
BE WELL.
Marc Dana Lane
Jan. 22, 1950 - July 14, 2011
My Friend....
There will be no more chemo for my friend of 50 years...there will be no more treatments...no more tests...He has gotten so much worse and they don't expect him to be alive for more than a day or two now...His colon burst and he is full of cancer everywhere...I am beyond sad...
I am so glad that I got to see him when I went to their home a few weeks ago...I am glad we smiled at each other and joked a bit...Another ending for me...another form of darkness...I also grieve for my friend, Pat, who lost her beloved son after a 6 plus year battle...She sent me a note today, that is bringing me some comfort...
Our former minister of 33 years who now lives in Vermont with his wife said to me the other day "that when life gets dismembered, the way to begin to put it back together is to remember."
I am remembering my Michael...I am remembering going to visit my friend and how we all attended a baseball game last year and had a fabulous time...I am remembering the love...I am remembering the friendship...I am remembering that they will be forever in my heart...
I will be heading back to my friends' home in a few days to be with his wife and family...I hope that I will be able to see him one more time to thank him for all the wonderful memories that I will always hold dear...
BE WELL.
I am so glad that I got to see him when I went to their home a few weeks ago...I am glad we smiled at each other and joked a bit...Another ending for me...another form of darkness...I also grieve for my friend, Pat, who lost her beloved son after a 6 plus year battle...She sent me a note today, that is bringing me some comfort...
Our former minister of 33 years who now lives in Vermont with his wife said to me the other day "that when life gets dismembered, the way to begin to put it back together is to remember."
I am remembering my Michael...I am remembering going to visit my friend and how we all attended a baseball game last year and had a fabulous time...I am remembering the love...I am remembering the friendship...I am remembering that they will be forever in my heart...
I will be heading back to my friends' home in a few days to be with his wife and family...I hope that I will be able to see him one more time to thank him for all the wonderful memories that I will always hold dear...
BE WELL.
ART HEALS
I have the great pleasure of having been gifted an 8 week creativity course....and I am finding out that it came at just the right time..My book is complete and I am just waiting on hearing about the design for the cover...I have finished the trays for Sophie...I am still working on a chair for a charity auction (but I can't seem to just sit and finish this piece so I work on it here and there)...
This creativity course is helping me to make a small journal page of art EVERY day! It is helping me to sail my boat again...opening myself back up to ME...I have hidden most of myself away for the past few years...only allowing myself to venture out here and there...(I tend to punish myself by taking away the things I love the most...must be a learned response!) I am finding that I took the art away because it made me happy...and how dare I be happy when Michael was so sick....BUT ...back it is coming...slowly allowing me to work every day...I am HAPPY! It makes me happy to paint and write and search and believe that I have listened to my heart and have something to say! ART HEALS...I am finding this out more and more each day!
BE WELL...
This creativity course is helping me to make a small journal page of art EVERY day! It is helping me to sail my boat again...opening myself back up to ME...I have hidden most of myself away for the past few years...only allowing myself to venture out here and there...(I tend to punish myself by taking away the things I love the most...must be a learned response!) I am finding that I took the art away because it made me happy...and how dare I be happy when Michael was so sick....BUT ...back it is coming...slowly allowing me to work every day...I am HAPPY! It makes me happy to paint and write and search and believe that I have listened to my heart and have something to say! ART HEALS...I am finding this out more and more each day!
BE WELL...
Comfortable...
I was totally comfortable in my skin yesterday as I hosted the family gathering...
this is the first one I have had at my house where the entire family was present!(actually in several years)
Everyone was having a good time as they arrived at 1:00 and the last ones left around 8:00...
I actually had a wonderful holiday weekend...and felt more like myself than I have in a very long time...laughing and joking...talking...
I think this is a really good sign!
UPDATE:
My friend, started chemo, and after 2 1/2 weeks in the hospital has come home...just trying to get comfortable and heal the best way possible...The chemo treatment is done thru a shunt in the chest and lasts for 24 hours every 2 weeks...they are not sure at this point if it will be done at home or in the hospital... Going back to the Oncologist in 2 weeks....I hope to be back to see them within the next several weeks..
BE WELL
this is the first one I have had at my house where the entire family was present!(actually in several years)
Everyone was having a good time as they arrived at 1:00 and the last ones left around 8:00...
I actually had a wonderful holiday weekend...and felt more like myself than I have in a very long time...laughing and joking...talking...
I think this is a really good sign!
UPDATE:
My friend, started chemo, and after 2 1/2 weeks in the hospital has come home...just trying to get comfortable and heal the best way possible...The chemo treatment is done thru a shunt in the chest and lasts for 24 hours every 2 weeks...they are not sure at this point if it will be done at home or in the hospital... Going back to the Oncologist in 2 weeks....I hope to be back to see them within the next several weeks..
BE WELL
Strength...
I have been out of town helping my friend as she handles the news that her husband
has Stage 4 colon/liver cancer...it was so difficult, knowing all that I know that is in store for her...knowing that there is only so much that I can do to help her and that the journey is an emotional one...It hit me...it ripped at my already torn heart...
So I took care of her overgrown garden while she went to the hospital...I made sure that she ate meals...I talked with her till the wee hours of the morning...I held her hand...I hugged her...I told her that I loved her...
Her husband has been my friend since the 5th grade...he was 2 years older than me and I would see his handsome face walking through the halls in the grammar school thinking as little girls do...OH...HOW CUTE IS HE! But, we actually became friends in church, taking a youth class on Sunday evenings eating tuna fish sandwiches...we could talk to each other...he teased me..(he still does!) We went to proms together because we could be ourselves without putting on some sort of formal attitudes with our formal wear! We are friends...and he introduced me to his wife some 42 years ago...and we are friends...
When Michael was diagnosed in 2008, he and I were shopping one day and we found a necklace with the universal symbol for gratitude...written around the spiral were the words...YOU HAVE ALL THE STRENGTH THAT YOU NEED INSIDE...I have worn this necklace since that day he put it on me...This year for Valentine's Day he presented me with a locket...when you open it there is a working compass inside...This was his answer to my question..."What am I going to do without you?"..."you will find your direction" the card read ...and I placed the spiral on the new chain with the compass and he placed it around my neck...Wednesday morning I asked my friend if she had a silver chain...she found one...and I slid off the spiral from my chain and placed it on hers and then around her neck...we sat on the floor of her bedroom and cried in each others arms...
I know I have all the strength that I need inside...I have proven it to myself over and over during these 3 1/2 years that necklace served me well...Now she needs to know it...I hope the necklace serves as a reminder as she sits waiting for treatments to be done...while she fiddles with that spiral around her neck and holds on to her strength...
BE WELL.
has Stage 4 colon/liver cancer...it was so difficult, knowing all that I know that is in store for her...knowing that there is only so much that I can do to help her and that the journey is an emotional one...It hit me...it ripped at my already torn heart...
So I took care of her overgrown garden while she went to the hospital...I made sure that she ate meals...I talked with her till the wee hours of the morning...I held her hand...I hugged her...I told her that I loved her...
Her husband has been my friend since the 5th grade...he was 2 years older than me and I would see his handsome face walking through the halls in the grammar school thinking as little girls do...OH...HOW CUTE IS HE! But, we actually became friends in church, taking a youth class on Sunday evenings eating tuna fish sandwiches...we could talk to each other...he teased me..(he still does!) We went to proms together because we could be ourselves without putting on some sort of formal attitudes with our formal wear! We are friends...and he introduced me to his wife some 42 years ago...and we are friends...
When Michael was diagnosed in 2008, he and I were shopping one day and we found a necklace with the universal symbol for gratitude...written around the spiral were the words...YOU HAVE ALL THE STRENGTH THAT YOU NEED INSIDE...I have worn this necklace since that day he put it on me...This year for Valentine's Day he presented me with a locket...when you open it there is a working compass inside...This was his answer to my question..."What am I going to do without you?"..."you will find your direction" the card read ...and I placed the spiral on the new chain with the compass and he placed it around my neck...Wednesday morning I asked my friend if she had a silver chain...she found one...and I slid off the spiral from my chain and placed it on hers and then around her neck...we sat on the floor of her bedroom and cried in each others arms...
I know I have all the strength that I need inside...I have proven it to myself over and over during these 3 1/2 years that necklace served me well...Now she needs to know it...I hope the necklace serves as a reminder as she sits waiting for treatments to be done...while she fiddles with that spiral around her neck and holds on to her strength...
BE WELL.
Ebb and Flow...Ebb and Flow....Ebb and Flow...
It's just the way of the world isn't it! And
once again across my machine came another TERRI
writing that says it all to me....
keeper of her heart
“ she heard the words 'keeper of her heart'
and thought of him.
he always had been.
whether he knew it or not.
now it was time for her to be the keeper
of his heart.
holding it gently, tenderly,
she tucked his heart into hers
and carried him with her always and forever. ”
~terri st. cloud
Be Well...
It's just the way of the world isn't it! And
once again across my machine came another TERRI
writing that says it all to me....
keeper of her heart
“ she heard the words 'keeper of her heart'
and thought of him.
he always had been.
whether he knew it or not.
now it was time for her to be the keeper
of his heart.
holding it gently, tenderly,
she tucked his heart into hers
and carried him with her always and forever. ”
~terri st. cloud
Be Well...
What is it about Fear?
What is it that causes my fear??...I've thought about this quite a bit lately...
Fear of failure...Fear of success...Fear of being alone...
With the tides of my life changing...I'm not sure if I am at an ebb or a flow. There are things that are going on around me that fill me with excitement, that allow me to believe that everything is going to be alright...and then right in the middle of that wonderful feeling ...FEAR...pops its head in to say HELLO...ARE YOU GETTING COMFORTABLE?...I DON'T THINK SO! And it runs around dropping its seeds to form weeds in my garden...WHO ARE YOU? it whispers on my shoulder...HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY BE HAPPY?...SHOULDN'T YOU BE GRIEVING? Do I have to STOP and allow myself this moment of doubt? Allow this fear to overtake the things that are good in my life and are showing me that one foot in front of the other is leading me to places I have only dreamed of before now...that perhaps at one time I was going in that direction but I stepped off that road to be a caregiver...Is it my time? Is it time for me to get back on my own path?
So I give FEAR its 15 minutes of fame!! And I am stepping past it...leading myself into my own comfort (regardless of what others think I should be doing) If I curl up in a ball I will cease to exist...Every day I walk into this studio to bring myself a little closer back to MYSELF...still discovering ME...allowing ME to unfold.
So what is it about FEAR that allows us to stand in the middle of a dream and freeze?
Fear of failure...Fear of success...Fear of being alone...
With the tides of my life changing...I'm not sure if I am at an ebb or a flow. There are things that are going on around me that fill me with excitement, that allow me to believe that everything is going to be alright...and then right in the middle of that wonderful feeling ...FEAR...pops its head in to say HELLO...ARE YOU GETTING COMFORTABLE?...I DON'T THINK SO! And it runs around dropping its seeds to form weeds in my garden...WHO ARE YOU? it whispers on my shoulder...HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY BE HAPPY?...SHOULDN'T YOU BE GRIEVING? Do I have to STOP and allow myself this moment of doubt? Allow this fear to overtake the things that are good in my life and are showing me that one foot in front of the other is leading me to places I have only dreamed of before now...that perhaps at one time I was going in that direction but I stepped off that road to be a caregiver...Is it my time? Is it time for me to get back on my own path?
So I give FEAR its 15 minutes of fame!! And I am stepping past it...leading myself into my own comfort (regardless of what others think I should be doing) If I curl up in a ball I will cease to exist...Every day I walk into this studio to bring myself a little closer back to MYSELF...still discovering ME...allowing ME to unfold.
So what is it about FEAR that allows us to stand in the middle of a dream and freeze?
What I have learned this week...
I have been helping a friend...she is having a book published and she asked me to contribute by answering questions...journaling...and doing some artwork. It has been intense work, making me sit back and examine things from all sides. And I am finding so much to be grateful for...truly grateful.
We all face adversity in our life, how we react to it...how we deal with it is what brings forth our strengths and our happiness. If we spend too much time feeling sorry for ourselves what do we learn from that?...what happiness does that bring?...Being grateful for the things I DO have instead of what is missing helps me to focus on the day...helps me see my potential...know my strength...see the love that surrounds me...and allows me to take another step forward each and every day...Does that mean I don't get sad...or lonely...or even depressed? No...I still feel all those emotions...but when I feel grateful...when I stay in the moment my life feels good...it feels whole...I feel alive.
Sarah Breathnach said...
"When we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that's present....we experience heaven on earth."
How true that is for me lately!
BE WELL
We all face adversity in our life, how we react to it...how we deal with it is what brings forth our strengths and our happiness. If we spend too much time feeling sorry for ourselves what do we learn from that?...what happiness does that bring?...Being grateful for the things I DO have instead of what is missing helps me to focus on the day...helps me see my potential...know my strength...see the love that surrounds me...and allows me to take another step forward each and every day...Does that mean I don't get sad...or lonely...or even depressed? No...I still feel all those emotions...but when I feel grateful...when I stay in the moment my life feels good...it feels whole...I feel alive.
Sarah Breathnach said...
"When we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that's present....we experience heaven on earth."
How true that is for me lately!
BE WELL
Busy...Busy...Busy...learning...learning...learning!
I love this time of year...I don't have to be locked up in the house because of the wind and and snow and the cold...but rather I can throw open the windows and go outside...work to my hearts content in the gardens...sit on the glider and dream away part of the day....Now, I can swing on the new swing I put up for the little love on the big pine tree in the backyard...I actually took a little nap under the gazebo the other day while reading a book....I love this time of year!
I literally have been keeping myself as busy as possible...the night time is the worse with no one around to keep me company or whose company I keep! But I am learning...learning how to sleep a little better by actually turning off the lights at midnight...I am learning to put the tops back on my paint....I am learning how to see some of my dreams come to realization and how to tap into the dreams that are still within me...Would this have happened anyhow? I guess I will never know the answer to that question...but it is now and I am keeping myself busy...and I am learning...and that is helping me to heal. ENJOY your day!
BE WELL.
I literally have been keeping myself as busy as possible...the night time is the worse with no one around to keep me company or whose company I keep! But I am learning...learning how to sleep a little better by actually turning off the lights at midnight...I am learning to put the tops back on my paint....I am learning how to see some of my dreams come to realization and how to tap into the dreams that are still within me...Would this have happened anyhow? I guess I will never know the answer to that question...but it is now and I am keeping myself busy...and I am learning...and that is helping me to heal. ENJOY your day!
BE WELL.
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