Do I actually admit this?....really expose myself?...I think it might be part of the healing...
I have been in a very downward spiral for quite some time....pushing it deeper and deeper
down to not expose it....not to others...not to myself....there have been glimpses of it here
and there...but like any other vessel you fill up sooner or later it will over flow....and several
weeks ago that is what happened...I over flowed...the damn burst....
All sorts of emotions came flooding out...the one that repeated itself over and over was that I
was not sick so how could I be so upset with everyone and everything....I guess one would have
to call that guilt....a guilt of being selfish or at least feeling selfish....
I finally had to break down and go to the Doctors...(I hate going to the Doctor's...to many years
of being poked and prodded I guess, so I avoid it at all costs) And my Doctor's from the past
have either passed away or moved away....So it would mean going to a new Doctor and exposing myself....BUT I sucked it up because I had to ....and I connected with a new Doctor (a woman) who not only LISTENED to me...but HEARD me...and she will now be my primary Doctor...but she sent me to someone else....OH NO! More exposing....but you know....I found it easier...I found it necessary to empty the garbage pail and clean it out....
Sometimes the more uncomfortable something is...the more I learn about myself....and in this case I will say I am starting to feel better.....I am letting go of the guilt that I have carried around for some time now....I am starting to take care of myself ....I mean REALLY do that...not just a case of here and there...but every day a little something just for me without the guilt....I know this is not going to happen over night....after all this has taken a life time of building up....but I need to learn a new way....
So did I admit this here? YES I DID.....
Am I admitting it to myself? YES I AM...
And I am OK with it....LOL....
SMALL STEPS!
Be well...
rambles from the shadow side of life...About living...about living with dying....This is where my heart will pour forth...this is where my shadow will be exposed...this is where I will cry...where I will laugh...where I will become one with that shadow of life...
3 comments:
if we could only cut ourselves slack and step back and see the situations we are in at times....the compassion for ourselves would come flooding out. it's one heck of a journey you're on......if it was me, and i posted this blog, what would you say?
what would you say to me?
now......say it to you.......
so so glad you're taking steps to take care of you.
sending you love.....
Hope you're feeling better.
Sending a big hug to wrap around your shoulders.
cheers & well wishes dear lady- as you step into the caretaking of you - which only will make you stronger, lighter and as my grandson says 'more better'. . .
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