Trying to explain...

Have you ever had to try to explain to an adult why it is that they can't do something???? As an adult we are accustomed to the freedom of doing anything we deem ...anytime we want...if it so strikes our fancy ...we have the freedom to make decisions on our own...we've earned that freedom just by the fact that we got through childhood restrictions...heard enough NO"S in our life time perhaps....So when you have to try to explain to an adult that the thing that they might want to do....when they think they are capable of doing more than they can because their brain tells them YES but their body is telling them NO....it certainly isn't easy!! You try to do it gently...by first suggesting that it just might not be a good idea...and then you have to add a little more force to it when that child in them starts to rebel against authority...and finally you tend to have to just put your foot down....or get in there and do it yourself before the other gets a chance to....
It certainly isn't easy!!!!! But I am learning.....how to maneuver my way around this situation...

All's good...

On the home front!! That is if you like 7 inches of snow!! LOL I can't complain...this is really only the 6th time this winter that the snow plow had to come to clear out my driveway this winter!! which is UNHEARD of in upstate NY.....now, thank goodness I don't live in Baltimore where my friends do who have had 30 maybe 40 inches of snow!!
So all is good on the home front....

sending you some spring!!!!!

I'M SENDING YOU SOME SPRING!!!!!
This only takes a second and it feels so good!
I think we all need a little spring today!
I'm sending you some Spring!!!!

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Click your mouse anywhere (& everywhere) on the page & see what happens!
Better yet, click (hold down) & drag your mouse over the black page...
Enjoy!!




Eye Doctor....

We went to the Eye Doctor yesterday....to check on the progress of the surgery that Michael had last year...to which the Doctor finally admitted has not at this point improved and probably won't...
We knew this...but it was not confirmed till yesterday....
Did I ever tell you that I did not learn to drive till I was 30 years old! 30! Seemed that there was no reason to seeing as I was a single mother...barely making ends meet anyhow so I could not even afford a car...or insurance! No problem....I could walk everywhere I really needed to go with 2 small kids in tow...sometimes in a wagon...sometimes on a sled...and if I had to go far....there was always public transportation.....but I lived in the city...or close to bus stops....here in the burbs there is public transportation....but it is miles from where I live! And at this point in my life I couldn't even imagine NOT driving! And yet....Michael who has driven since the age of 16 has had this luxury or one might say necessity ripped away from him.....how would I feel? how would I feel about being that age and having to rely on someone to take me anywhere....would I ask them to...to just take me out of the house knowing that if I didn't I would be trapped there....could be trapped there for days....weeks if I didn't ask....
The smallest of things really....and I have to be mindful of that....mindful that even if I want to stay all cozy in my PJ's in the studio painting away....that sometimes I have to put that in front of my desires because he can't do that for himself....and I think back to when I did not drive...when I would sometimes be trapped in my house in the dead of winter for days...with 2 small children and remember the feeling of how I just needed to get out of the house....away from the 4 walls....and that I would of welcomed someone just saying....come on....lets just take a drive...lets just go get a cup of coffee....lets just get you out of the house!! So today....I will do just that....not just running errands while he sits waiting for me in a car...but rather...going to a place to sit...maybe read for a while....chat....and have a nice cup of coffee....

Happy Valentine's Day...


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It is a day to reflect....a day to enjoy...a day to surround yourself with LOVE...and to expose all the love you have for all that you care for....
So Happy Valentine's Day....to all the dear hearts who support me here....
Sending love your way....may your day be filled with sweet candy kisses!

safe...warm...

I have been following the snow storm in the Eastern part of the U.S. Where I have many friends who live there....I have talked to a few of them....and I am smiling this morning...smiling at how despite what is going on they are laughing...and loving the snow!! They are playing in it...up to their knees and higher...and enjoying the beauty of it....and it reminded me...that is what it is all about....putting on your hip high boots....wading thru that which might not be pleasant and moving forward....laughing....smiling at the adversity of it....finding the joy in the day...
We can process the things we are going through anyway we wish....We can say "poor me...why is this happening to poor poor me!?" Or we can dig out our hip high boots...pull up our knickers...
grab a hold of our hats and get on with it...
Now...I am happy to say that the snow here in upstate NY is minimal...which by the way is unusual! But...I do know that I have my hip high boots on....my knickers pulled up to my chin....and my hat securely on my head today....moving forward!!
STAY WARM AT HEART!

Break Time...

So they are going to do the last chemo treatment today....following up again in 6 months with another round....this is called maintenance...not a cure by any means, but hoping to keep the levels of bad protein at this acceptable level....Normal is 4....Michael is at 9.8 at one time he was at 13...
so the chemo has brought the levels down....
The next step will be to do an MRI to find out about his problems with his short term memory and pain in head and neck....and going to a neurologist to find out about the pain in his legs and the numbness in his face....
But this is my break time....the 4 hours or so that I have completely to myself....in the studio...in the paint....and another cup of coffee!! Quiet time...

First I sleep...then I clean....

This week flew by me....mainly because I slept quite a bit....and then when I wasn't sleeping I was cleaning!! That is what I do when I shut down....I sleep....I clean! I understand the sleeping part...but the cleaning part I think just comes about because it is quiet work....it is work that I don't have to think about but can get straight to the task of it....No one has to help me...I don't have to think about if it is done correctly...and of course in the end I am proud of what I have accomplished!
Today, however...I feel awake....I actually feel more like myself than I have in days...maybe months...perhaps a year....I am stepping into this day with a courage that I haven't noticed in a long time....I am stepping into this day with an acknowledgment that I can't be all things to all people all the time....that I have to step lightly...and in my own skin in order to bring about a peacefulness to myself and to others.....So today....as I look into the mirror....I see a glimpse of the ME that I know....and I smile....to see her standing there....with a slight sparkle in her eye....well rested and a very clean house!!

Long week...

It has been a long week....Michael has felt the side effects of the last chemo round a lot this week...
either not sleeping or like today...sleeping the day away. Feeling sickly and not eating that well...
stomach problems...It has been a hard one...and he is just starting to feel a little better. We plan on taking the little love to the museum tomorrow to see the dinosaur exhibit for a hour or so....I am hoping that does us all some good...to be out of the house doing something fun! Maybe we will even stop for lunch....OH....how normal that will feel!!

A GOOD cry....

Sometimes you just have to have a GOOD cry...you know the kind that washes over you uncontrollably...the sort of cry that cleanses the soul and allows you to let go of whatever it is...and sometimes we have no idea what "IT IS" is! LOL.....It was in the early morning....4:00 AM when mine approached me....I think it has been building for months.....I am the type A personality that tends to bottle things up.....I tend to put on a face that looks good in public....So I push things down...and then down again....deeper...deeper....till the dam just bursts because there is no room for anymore!
So sometimes you just have to have a GOOD cry....to clear out all that....to let it go....so you can continue on.....

Another treatment DOWN....

The echo gram looked pretty good for a 60 year old with cancer....is what we were told...
Not sure what that means...but I am taking it as a positive! So they added another mix to the chemo drip....The blood work looks ok....some of the results are on the very high end and I still have to learn what that means....Michael wants to plan so many things...and right now I am hesitant to do so....especially because we are in the chemo stage once again....and that will mean several more months of going for blood work every week....So perhaps we will be able to do something once again in May....but remember last May after chemo and getting the embolisms scares me too....I have to get past this....but it is hard for me....
My daughter had an art opening....A ONE NIGHT show that was a collaboration of 5 artists...It was fabulous....hundreds of people came and it was very well received....I am so proud of both of my children and their artistic abilities....I am very thank ful for that...And I got so much inspiration from being there....I have been in the studio here...day and night...trying to finish up things I am working on to get on with things I am dreaming of making....
Hold on to your dreams!