We went to the Eye Doctor yesterday....to check on the progress of the surgery that Michael had last year...to which the Doctor finally admitted has not at this point improved and probably won't...
We knew this...but it was not confirmed till yesterday....
Did I ever tell you that I did not learn to drive till I was 30 years old! 30! Seemed that there was no reason to seeing as I was a single mother...barely making ends meet anyhow so I could not even afford a car...or insurance! No problem....I could walk everywhere I really needed to go with 2 small kids in tow...sometimes in a wagon...sometimes on a sled...and if I had to go far....there was always public transportation.....but I lived in the city...or close to bus stops....here in the burbs there is public transportation....but it is miles from where I live! And at this point in my life I couldn't even imagine NOT driving! And yet....Michael who has driven since the age of 16 has had this luxury or one might say necessity ripped away from him.....how would I feel? how would I feel about being that age and having to rely on someone to take me anywhere....would I ask them to...to just take me out of the house knowing that if I didn't I would be trapped there....could be trapped there for days....weeks if I didn't ask....
The smallest of things really....and I have to be mindful of that....mindful that even if I want to stay all cozy in my PJ's in the studio painting away....that sometimes I have to put that in front of my desires because he can't do that for himself....and I think back to when I did not drive...when I would sometimes be trapped in my house in the dead of winter for days...with 2 small children and remember the feeling of how I just needed to get out of the house....away from the 4 walls....and that I would of welcomed someone just saying....come on....lets just take a drive...lets just go get a cup of coffee....lets just get you out of the house!! So today....I will do just that....not just running errands while he sits waiting for me in a car...but rather...going to a place to sit...maybe read for a while....chat....and have a nice cup of coffee....
rambles from the shadow side of life...About living...about living with dying....This is where my heart will pour forth...this is where my shadow will be exposed...this is where I will cry...where I will laugh...where I will become one with that shadow of life...
1 comment:
Hello Friend! Long time no talk to. I've been thinking of you and hoping all is well. My Mom is in a home hospice program here at home. I'm grateful for this "long goodbye" because she hasn't had any pain and is not feeling ill. Different family members came throughout Feb. to visit her and it was wonderful. She never quit smiling. It was great. I am tired, and crazy busy but I wanted to drop in and say hi, I'm thinking of you and I love you this far across the country.
Warm Hugs Always,
Sheila
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