# 30 Ending and Beginning...

I am actually very proud of the fact that I completed the month long challenge of posting here...well, all but for the day that I posted a poem by someone else...heck, though I had to click and paste it, so that must count for something! LOL

It has been quite some time since I wrote so often and so much each day, and I must admit that I was rarely at a loss for words...but then those who know me are quite aware of that!!

So here I am at the end of the 30 days and I reflect on what it did for me...it gave me a since of achievement...it gave me reflection time...it gave me a path back to my voice and my center...it gave me creativity.


I feel as if this ending is now a new beginning! All who come here know that I started this blog in 2008 to have a place to voice how I was feeling and dealing with the process that Michael and I walked together...from the beginning diagnoses to his passing. This is the place where I could rant...I could cry...I could be honest about how I was feeling at the moment each day...it was the place that I came to where I knew that someone would hold out their hand in the middle of the night to offer me strength...and love...and encouragement when I thought I could not go through another day.

And what I have realized over the past 30 days is that this blog has been used for a totally different purpose...it is now being used to write heart felt wishes for myself...dreams coming true..love...and living life to the fullest...So I have decided to put this blog to bed...to leave it here...open for anyone in need of some of the lessons I learned over the journey of 3.5 years...

I am beginning again...I have a new blog and I hope to not only write there but also to share once again my art work with myself and with those who venture there.
Please join me at: http://patriciajmosca.blogspot.com Titled: Giving Myself Permission I am deleting the past 30 days and placing them on that blog...

I look forward to sharing myself with you...I thank everyone for their love and support over the years...for the friendships I have made...for the compassion I have felt...I cannot tell you in words how much it has meant to me, especially during my darkest days...but today I am beginning again...today, my heart beats for me...today...


There is a lot to be said about feeling content...it brings a peacefulness to your life...a calm...laughter...happiness...It has been a long time since I have had this feeling. And although I may still have my moments of sadness...lately more times than not I feel content. There is no pressure...no feelings of being rushed...but rather just living in the moment...taking each day as it comes...
There is a lot to be said about feeling content...and that is how I feel at this very moment...


I have not fallen off the face of the earth...but rather I have been attending to LIFE! MY LIFE! How strange to type that...my life...my own life...
Things have changed so much for me in the past 6 months...My house is now redone and looking more like the person that I am...calmer...and brighter. I had 3.5 years to deal with Michael's passing...and although some people think that things are moving fast for me now I think they are just moving...I know my life did not move over the past 3.5 years...Those years gave me time....time with Michael...time to find out what was important to me...time to believe in myself once again...time that I probably would not have given myself otherwise...or at least I would not have been aware of the lessons that I have learned...And I take this moment to THANK those who helped me during that time...who nurtured me...and believed in me...and helped me along the way...
But...there is a time for everything...and there is a season...
And my seasons are changing...

The right size!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is now the size of the picture that I wanted to share!

Look How YOUNG I was!

We all have these "youthful" pictures of ourselves!! This one came unexpectedly across my mail this day...MY 60TH BIRTHDAY! I have received many good wishes from friends from my past...my present and my future! Reminding me to CELEBRATE LIFE!
Reminding me that the youthful girl in the picture is still within me! Reminding me that my life is GOOD and FUll...and has been all of these 60 years!



This is a year of "FIRSTS" for me...Michael's birthday, Memorial Day, 4th of July, the jazz festival, Corn Hill Arts Festival, Park Avenue Arts Festival, Collin's 1st day at Camp and his last day at camp, watching Collin as he proudly rides his 2 wheeler without training wheels!, and now we are coming up on Labor Day...which also marks my 60th Birthday...So how do you celebrate? What is it that you do that is "normal"...that is meaningful? People keep asking me how I am going to celebrate, and I have no idea...It CERTAINLY is a BIG BIRTHDAY! Should it go by unnoticed?... which is what I feel like it should do...I had wanted to be in Paris for my 60th...that is not going to happen this year...maybe it will only happen in my dreams I am not sure, (although I am not giving up on it quite yet)
So, this is a year of "FIRSTS"...Firsts without Michael...Firsts without my friend Marc...Firsts with trying to carve out a life of importance for myself...Firsts are pretty scary things...It seems that fear often stops me for doing things that I would not normally do...and yet, there is a part of me that says " Go ahead...try it...you just might find you like it"...Happiness is SUCH AN IMPORTANT PART OF LIFE! Coming from a place of perfection (completely in my head of course!)holds me back...from somethings, and yet for others I step out of my comfort zone...I wonder why that is? I continue to search for my place...I continue to rearrange my home...my life...so that I can fit back into it...make a new one...form new bonds, dream bigger dreams...recognize that life is for living and loving.
Firsts are very scary things! However, I am trying my best!


Just what have I been doing??? Where have I been??? Elbow deep in paint! The kitchen is almost completed...I still have bi-fold doors to put back on...but the painting is done, the cleaning of cupboards, the removal of objects, new table, new light fixtures, new painting...new kitchen! It sort of sent me into a tail spin for a few days as it was a bit overwhelming...and in some way I thought perhaps I was trying to erase Michael...but NO...I am claiming my space! I am brightening my life...one room at a time...and I have also been working on a chair for the Rochester Breast Cancer Coalition ARTrageous Affair Fund Raiser...Here it is:

Full Chair



I returned home from the Celebration of Life for my friend Marc, and I was compiled to revisit my oldest journals from the 70's! One of the reasons was because I had the opportunity to view some of his writings while I was in Baltimore...and what a wonderful mind he had...and I wanted to see where my mind was back then...
To my surprise I was wise then...I was searching my soul just as I am now...I was perhaps a bit "pollyanneish" but then what 18 year old is not...Like now, I wrote from the heart...like now I wrote a bit of poetry...like now I was searching for answers to my hearts questions...So discovering that it is a process of life...never changing but always evolving...
I ran across a letter written to me with the following poem...and it strikes me loud and clear now as an adult where as a child I did not see the fullness of it...I wish in some ways I had, and wonder how my life would of been different (but then I would not be the person I am today, with all the colors of the tapestry of my life, and I would not change that now) But I share this with you today...because the truth of it is powerful for me at the moment...

I felt like climbing mountains
or using my sunbeam lasso to
herd the sweet dew together and
present it to you on this your unbirthday.

But I have found that you'r gone
when I needed and wanted to
see you the most.
I had licked my old wounds
and they had healed slowly
but I was well and perhaps a
new and better person.

Now I have nothing and the
dew is rapidly turning salty.

It's not in my power to bring
you back
But if it were I would snap
my fingers or rub the magic lamp
and you would be beside me
in golden flesh instead of nothing dreams.
And another snap of the fingers
and we would come close together
until we were one.



Everything I have ever read says that a messy house leads to a messy mind and life...I sort of believe that...it use to be that when I got in the "funk" and a little depressed (OK, maybe a lot depressed) I would clean...But now I am finding that I am in need of change...from the top of my head to my toes...or rather from the roof of my house to the basement! So this week I started in the kitchen...I ripped off chair rail...and resurfaced the wall...and now I am painting...painting my dark terra cotta kitchen to a very light soothing yellow...with white trim...It is a total mess right now, but my mind in clear...I have a mission...a purpose...a direction! One room at a time I am transforming this house...beginning in the kitchen...today, I start to paint...I believe all the prep work is done...(but there are always hidden surprises when you start these projects!)
I am hoping that this change will help me along my path...if nothing else it has been exhausting enough to help me sleep!! (which is a welcome blessing!)
Change is something that we all sometimes want...need and deserve...it is not something that comes easily but these small changes in my home hopefully will direct the other parts of my life!



I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and
four-year old grandson.

The old mans hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table.

But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon and onto the floor. When he grasped the glass milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.

"We must do something about Grandfather", said the son. "I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor."

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There
Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When the family glanced in Grandfathers direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.

Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he had dropped a fork or spilled food. The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child curiously, "What are you making?"

Sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents that they were speechless.

Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening, the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped! , when milk was spilled, or when the tablecloth was soiled.

On a positive note,

* I've learned that no matter what happens or how bad it seems today, life goes on, and it will be better tomorrow.
* I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
* I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you will miss them when they are gone from your life.
* I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
* I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

* I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

* I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
* I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
* I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.
People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
* I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

* I've learned that you should pass this on to everyone you care about.

I just did


Words of Wisdom....

This came across my mailbox a few days ago....and boy does it strike a cord with me.
I am headed off for a little 3 day R and R...much needed.


this came across my mailbox this morning....a wave of hope came over me.

Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full 0f overcoming it.
– Hellen Keller