Today, is a day of giving thanks to 2009....
for the joy it has brought my way...awakenings that have stirred within me....dreams that have danced in front of me....love that is abundant...and my life.
Today, is a day of giving thanks to 2009...
for the passion that I have found...creativity that has flowed....and wonderment that has been brought to my attention.
Today, is a day of giving thanks to 2009...
for the strength I found deep within...for the power that strength has brought me...and for the wisdom that strength has provided me.
Today, is a day of giving thanks to 2009...
for intentions that were followed through...for moments of true clarity...for the gratitude my heart feels.
As I leave this year behind me my heart is full...my thoughts are clearer...This year goes out with a new moon....a new BLUE moon...reminding me to be ever present in the now....as this new year only comes around once!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
This is the final post I did for my affirmation journal....but I thought I would share it here too...
Tomorrow I will do my list for the new year....from the questions that I found several posts below this one....I will also tie up my 2009 journal with a ribbon and place it away for safe keeping and begin a new journal with the WORD I pick for the year....and I am starting a gratitude journal again this year....5 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT TODAY! and will design that cover...all in all this year with all its ups and downs has had far more GOOD things in it than bad...
May you head into 2010 with a song in your heart...laughter on your lips and love surrounding you....Blessings and HAPPY NEW YEAR to all who come here....
— Agnes M. Pharo
To all a very Merry Christmas....may your day be filled with love and laughter...making new memories and cherishing old.....
Anyhow, the wonderment of a 4 (almost 5) year old opening gifts.....Saying....I think that one has my name on it....Yes...COLLIN.....says COLLIN.....opening the gift....exclaiming....IT IS JUST WHAT I WANTED!!! LOL....To almost every gift....well...accept for the clothing....LOL....
What a joyous day!!
This morning we recorded the Night Before Christmas....Hallmark came out with a book that you can record yourself reading it...Michael and I took turns reading the pages!! Now Collin will always have our voices!! Can't wait to see his face when he hears this.....I think he will be amazed and wonder how we got in the book!! LOL
May your holiday be filled with amazement!!
Because this day was JUST WHAT I WANTED!
So I pause this morning....and give thanks for being able to once again be surrounded by all this love....I give thanks for my family...my friends...my good life....I pause and I reflect on how far I have ventured with both my professional and my personal life this year....The precious love of a child who adores us...and who is close enough so I get to see him every week...The happiness that is right in front of me that I sometimes over look...
This holiday season that is before me, is allowing me to be more aware of what it is that is most important in my life....sometimes it just takes a word...a thought...a gentle touch from a love one or even a stranger to open up your heart and let everything pour in...
Wishing all the happiness and love of this season....
Open your heart and let it all pour in!
But I ran across some questions on a kids site that I go to that made me go HUMMMM...this is something positive....(because I have found that most resolutions have to do with some negative side of myself!) On the 1st of January I will make my list.....Here are the questions...
What are some games or activities you like to do that you find challenging and fun? (Resilience)
What are some games or activities you like to do that make you laugh? (Emotion Awareness)
What are some new things you've been wanting to try? (Goal Setting)
What are some things you can do that leverage your strengths and skills? (Empowerment)
What are some things you can do that are fun and will make someone else happy? (Optimism)
But for now....we count our blessings that we are still venturing down the road of LIFE!
Happy Holidays to all....
May your LIFE travels bring you that much closer to the realization of all your dreams.
A bit tired....but HAPPY!
pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. 'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.' The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?' 'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.' For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.' Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
A moment ago I realized that I have not given an update.....Must be all those lights flickering on and off! LOL..... We are still waiting for approval from the VA for the CAT scan....Michael's new teeth are being made and he will have a fitting for them on Wednesday!! (yeah!!)
Michael is hoping that the CAT scan is not scheduled till after Christmas (not my wish!) I can understand that he does not want any news to disrupt his holiday....So I will make NO effort now to get this process going faster than it will under normal red tape!
The holidays are approaching rapidly....I am making a list...checking it twice!! Deciding to take on all the invitations that come our way this year if only for a very short visit....It is hard to do this, but I am UP to it!! So festivities are being planned....the calendar is getting filled with parties and socializing....and the twinkle is in my heart and eyes!!
May it also be in yours!!
I know people who think that things are just a coincidence...that nothing is connected to anything else...that things just unfold...or you make things happen....
I do not follow that theory....I believe in signs....I watch and listen...some signs smack me right upside the head...others have to come a series of times before I actually see them...actually hear the message....
And this has been the case this past weekend.....Signs ....Telling me to reach out....telling me to seek out something that I lost....showing me that perhaps now is the time to do that....Signs....I'm not sure why...but these signs have shown up in the past couple of years a little more....but the one that came across my life on Friday...was loud and clear....reaching my heart....and this is the coming year that I will do something about it....
Do you believe in signs???
We are still waiting for approval for the CAT scan from the VA...and the mind set is not to fret over when it will be or not be....but rather to just get ready....to bask in the warmth and the love of the holiday...
I am under the impression that you expose that what you are comfortable with to most people ...but there are a select few who know your heart....Here....I try very hard to expose my heart...to all who read it...but here are some random thoughts this morning that expose me just a little bit more....
I adjust...I am a survivor...I am a strong person (even in times of weakness)
my life has never been nor will it ever be based on what I have...or where I might be going next...for all of my adult life it has been based on the simplest of things
Perhaps to some that is a lack of ambition...not to want to be head of the class...top of the pole...leader of the pack....for me...it has worked...allowing me
to accept and enjoy the smallest of things in life...laughter...love...joy...things that money cannot buy...I have never been one to believe that my situations now or ever was SO BAD that I would not carry on (well maybe a couple times but only for moments in the big scheme of things) but rather I would take a hold of whatever was going on...face it head on...deal with it...and get on with it...
Find the best in whatever was happening...the lessons...and learn and grow...
I believe I have done that a few times in my life....and I know it has served me well....Some people strive for fame and fortune.... but fame and fortune is not high on the list for me...personal satisfaction...love...happiness...top of my list!
my life lessons have served me well to get through what I am going through now...this part of my life where although I am a caregiver I am not the person who is dealing with the struggles...The one thing that it is teaching me...a lesson that is coming through loud and clear is PATIENCE....something that needed to be worked on...and something that I hope I am working on....
So now we have to wait to get approval from the VA to have the scan done....I am making phone calls today...and tomorrow to get this on the fast track.....
Life continues on!!
Wish us luck!
But time does not matter....
we laughed...we talked...we hugged...we kissed...we connected on levels that were past and present...It was an awakening of the heart...
Life sometimes gets in the way of simple pleasures...we pass over going out for staying in...we pass over bringing people into our private space out of fear...out of time...we pass over the things that perhaps are heart awakening for the routine of our day...we get stuck sometimes in the rut of doing things exactly as we have and forget to put our selves out there...
This reunion of friendship will now become part of my getting out....connecting with others to better myself...to see myself more clearly...to allow myself time to be the girl I once was and the woman I am now...
Yes...this reunion was an awakening of my heart....and my heart sings today because of it...
May you awaken your heart in some small way today!
Glitterfy.com - Glitter Graphics
As you go about your day, take a moment to reflect on what you are truly thankful for....Feel it deep within you...listen closely to your heart....
My wish this year is that I am aware of all the GOOD things that have happened to me this year.
To be surrounded by the love of family and friends and to smile and laugh with my heart...
To be grateful for ALL the time I have been able to spend with those I love....
To take the moments of joy and cherish them to the fullest...
Happy Day to all....
My little love had a photo shoot today!! Hamming it up for the camera at 4.5 years old! He bought that Fedora himself at an Antique store...and in all the photos he has his Captain America Costume on underneath his clothes ....The very talented Hannah took these photos....She is a friend and client of my daughters....Take a look at what she does....some people just have such a great eye!! LOVE THESE....
AND THEN MAGIC HAPPENS....
It is a beautiful day here in upstate NY....A day for being outside in the sun... for perhaps the last time without a jacket on.....So with no table to sit at....a blanket was spread on the grass...which is longer and will not be cut again before winter....so it gave a soft cushion....and breakfast was served on it...fresh coffee and fruit...french toast and warm maple syrup...apple cider...
and LIFE just can't get much more MAGICAL than sharing this with a 4 year old.....
It is a typical gray and cold fall day here in upstate..(high of 40!) So the heat is on....the car is in the garage....and me....well...I am getting into the paint today....FINALLY!
Tough day....lots of TLC going on here....
Can you imagine? I mean really having to have all your teeth extracted! I've only had one done here and there....and that was an ordeal....The dental team is giving out medals for this procedure!
So now he heals.....waiting for the swelling to go down....and the last of the stitches to be removed.
Then on to NEW teeth....to be made and fitted....another series, but the end result will give him something to SMILE about!
Chemo has been postponed till the end of the month...BREAK TIME! Finishing up just before Christmas....So here we are still hanging on....still moving forward....
Makes you stop and think of how strong you really are!
SMILE WIDE TODAY!
She has written a powerful and insightful book about her journey with and thru breast cancer...
Come on over to the site and have a cup of inspiration!
Again, today I would like to share with you a daily news letter that I receive from Dawn at Daily Sparks....She always has insightful things to ponder....
Be realThe world will often discourage you from giving love. Give love anyway.
You can read more and sign up for the Daily Sparks HERE!
and in this case they are right.....as I am winterizing the house also! What fun! And I thought I would be in the studio this week!! Perhaps sometime! Right now there are things to be done!!
Wishing everyone good health! And Happy Columbus Day!
PHEW! How much can one person take? (and I am not sure if I am talking about Michael or myself!) Not to mention we are both in the stages of fall colds (change of the weather!!) and I am knee deep in nesting!
My AHA moment came at 2:00 this morning.....
RELAX! SLEEP! (everything will play out exactly as it is suppose to!) CALM DOWN! GET WELL!
Fine advise if I can follow it!!
“ she closed her eyes
I signed up to get this daily bit of food for thought from the wonderful and insightful Terri St. Cloud every morning in my mail box.....This one this morning gave me food for thought....It has been a year now that Michael (and I) have been on this journey....Last year at this time he was in the hospital close to dying....And here we are a year later....30 pounds heavier (he weighed 120 last year) and a bit healthier...(the protein levels are holding at the mid range) Today, I am remembering some of the lessons that this year has given me....the main one is to be thankful for all the time that we do have....to enjoy....to gather strength...to be aware...to love...to be loved...for there is not one of us who knows what today will bring our way....
Today, I am thankful....
Thank you Terri for your wonderful wording for this insight....
Visit Terri at: http://www.bonesigharts.com
There are many things I still have to do around here....but because of the shift in my thinking I am feeling as if I can and will get them done....Strange how one day you just seem to notice cobwebs that are hanging right in front of you and you JUST HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THEM!
I am getting back into my journaling.... A habit I enjoy but have taken a break from...allowing me to learn and grow more....Michael is fond of saying...."One day you're drinking wine....the next day you're picking grapes"...(similar to "some days you eat the bear....some days the bear eats you"!)
Today.....I drink wine!
And when he married....Some 39 years ago I became friends with his wife....SO very DEAR FRIENDS....We have not been able to get together for the last couple years...with what has been going on here...and things going on there....So we got into the new Kia...(to break it in!) A 6 hour drive...playing 60's music all the way....singing and laughing....arriving safely and having a wonderful time....so many laughs....so many moments shared....IT WAS FABULOUS! They listen...they care...I listen ..I care....their children are my children...there grandchildren are my grandchildren....Life is SO GOOD when we are all together....It was a wonderful time...bringing me back to my roots...bringing me back to my importance....bringing me back to what I need to focus on....
Friends that do that for you...are very very dear friends indeed! PRICELESS!
Finding out that some of the people we met and held close to our hearts have lost their good fight with cancer...that is the SAD...
But what we can do is count our blessings....count every day that we have together...count the number of times that we laugh in a day...count the sun coming up every morning and the moon rising every night....count the number of times we say the words I LOVE YOU...count the moments that bring a smile to our faces...count the love....that we give and we get.
Today....I am counting my blessings!
Here is the Guardian Angel box that I am donating to the Breast Cancer Coalition of Rochester for their fund raiser....Usually I donate a much larger item...but this year is a bit different for me!
I have been making these boxes since 2000....I started by giving one to a friend who needed a little TLC....I now send them randomly (smaller versions) to those who touch my heart in one way or another....The box has elements inside with wishes that go along with them...(.there is a bird ...a bell...a star...and a shell....) Seeing as I have met the deadline of the 28th...I believe that I will start the large flower pot also....(the bird on this box was painted on 140 weight paper and then cut out and 3-D onto the box...something I have not done before)
Being part of a community fund raiser does my heart good....focusing on helping others....Have you done that lately? Give a little time...give a little art...give a little heart....it feels SO good!
All went well at the Doctors (all of them yesterday) they decided to hold off on any more teeth extraction after taking out the stitches...letting this area heal a little better....And to find out the game plan for the chemo as both cannot be done at the same time.....So Monday we will know more....
I am in the cooking and happy mode!! I am throwing a BELATED birthday party for myself with friends and family gathering on Sunday...(actually it is just a good excuse to make delicious Sangeria!!) And celebrate the beginning of fall (or the end of summer!)
Wishing all a wonderful weekend....surrounded by those you love....and those who love you!
What the heck I love the pressure! LOL.....I will post pictures of them when completed....A large Guardian Angel box and a Large flower pot...(which I am hoping I can still get a local grower and old school mate to donate a large mum to) ...
So all is good on the home front....Hope all is well with all of you!
I received word that I will be published in a national magazine for my journals....I am so excited but now have to write a huge article about journaling and how it can be helpful....(the price of fame! LOL)
We have 3 Doctors appointments on Thursday....luckily they are all in the same building....So it will be a long day! I'll bring my book and start writing my article...
Fall is really here in upstate NY.....the leaves are turning....the air is getting cooler....and the geese are flying overhead!
Wishing all a day full of observing all that is around them!
I feel as if I have been in a resting mode lately....but now with a deadline or two looming in front of me I guess I best get on the stick as they say! Fall is in the air....and we are now one year into this journey....not knowing exactly where it is going still... I proceed with caution...Life has a funny way of continuing on despite some swirling and twirling...We fall...we get up....we twirl...we swirl...we laugh...we cry....We do the best we can with each given day. As I approach the anniversary of this year and all that has gone on....I wonder about some choices I have made...Right or wrong...I am aware today that trying to go back and redo some things just doesn't make sense....it just causes more and more questions to come up....
So I embrace this beautiful fall day....thankful that the sun is shining....the birds are singing...and life continues on...
And being a Hallmark day (Grandparents Day) I get to have a day with the little love....life just can't get better than that....
While I sit here filled with happiness for what I have....please keep all those who have things going on in their lives close to your heart....especially bring some positive thoughts to Pat and her son Dan and their family....Pat has done a great deal here for me....and I know that all your positive thoughts here have helped me....so please place them in a very special place right now...
Sending warm September thoughts to all....
and of course ME!!
Off to the Dentist again today....things are on the upswing with that....This is a busy month with eye Doctors....Dentists....Oncologists....
I am celebrating my 58th Birthday on Friday!!! Rapidly approaching 60!!! What happened to the girl in the Senior picture????? When and how did I get so old????!!!! LOL.....
Well...at least on a good day I feel like I am 25!!
This is ME....40 years ago!! My senior picture for the year book! Notice how that hair style is back in fashion!! LOL....
I am off to my class reunion of 40 years this Saturday! I had a conversation this morning about the discomfort/comfort of those years...connections and disconnections over the years....Life has a way of going on doesn't it! What we thought was once so important sometimes loses meaning...and the things that we thought we would NEVER do somehow have been done....
40 years! I still see glimpses of that insecure very shy girl....I still feel the passion that she once had/still has....I still hold her in my heart and sooth her when she needs to be...and I still walk in her shoes....she has grown and made a life....one to be proud of even in the face of diversity...
Speaking of tired....I am tired of this chair!! LOL....actually I am loving it!! And I promise to post a picture of it....Funny thing....I have been working on the chair non stop this past week, and neighbors have been walking up the driveway to see what the heck it is that I am doing in that garage and see the chair as they do their routine of walking morning and night...The funny thing is that I have lived here 23 years now...the neighbors have changed and these are people I have never met before and probably would never meet.....I have a young couple across the street that I have become good friends with.....they are so nice and have 2 small children....I enjoy them so much the laughter that comes from that house fills my heart....I am not sure if it is because of their religious beliefs or not but they (in their late 20's) are the most giving and caring young people I have had the pleasure of meeting in this neighborhood.....No complaints coming from them at all as they go about their daily life.....A lesson to learn here!
I wonder if I complain....if I moan or look as if I need a helping hand....Some days are better than others I do know that....Today, I will remember to laugh more!!
Have to start up the shot again!! Thrill of thrills!! Seems his levels are low and this is the only way to get them back up....We had blood draws on Thursday, so that is how they found that out! And they increased the pill dosage also.... OK THEN!
The lesson learned....Don't get to comfortable with this process!
Last night our little love came over for dinner.....We had decided that we would buy a tree to go in the new garden I put in the backyard....So we purchased a Japanese Red Maple....The boys dug the hole and filled it with water....placing the tree in the garden....It is now named: THE PAPA AND COLLIN TREE! It is small right now....a little taller than the little love....So, we will watch them both grow!! Hopefully everything will get though the winter intact....and I mean EVERYTHING!
All is good on the home front as I type!!
The chair is coming along.....and I love the graphics now...but the humidity is playing havoc with me, so I can only work on here for a couple hours at a time before I become a puddle of water!
My goal is to have it completely done by the end of the weekend....WISH me luck!
"I've got to admit it's getting better...it's getting better all the time....can't get much worse"!
And that is how I feel...A bit positive...A bit negative!...the Dentist says things are coming along....No blood .... No pain....and healing! 3 weeks now into this process. We go again tomorrow....So only twice this week!
I am progressing with the Adirondack chair that I am working on for a fund raiser....and completely changed the theme....finally the title: NOTHING IS EVER SIMPLY BLACK AND WHITE!
A theme that lately has been playing out over and over in my head! When completed I will try to post a picture....I have one more week till the deadline!! LOL....Nothing like adding a little fuel to the fire! But, feeling more comfortable with the design makes things go a lot faster....the humidity is not helping any....so I am only able to work on it an hour here or there to give it enough drying time....Summer in upstate NY has FINALLY arrived! The sun is shining and things are improving!
That is what I have been telling myself the past few days.....I have deadlines looming! And I have started some of the projects....then abandoned them!....I dislike them....nothing seems to fill me up....nothing seems to satisfy me....nothing seems to be "good enough"....NOTHING!
I hate that! So I walk away from the projects....I get myself into a mind set that I just won't meet my obligations....I have to much on my plate....life is NOT for my living!!
GOOD THING THAT PASSES!!!
This morning I woke to realize that these projects are not getting done because I am not focusing on ME.....I am not focusing on my art that makes me happy and whole....I am not focusing on a part of ME that needs to be kept alive and flourishing.....Not to mention that the projects that I have deadlines for....WELL....I was trying to go off the beaten path of what I normally do with my art...and today I realized.....WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
I am color....I am full of fun....I am my art....my art is ME.....
SO today.....I have re primed not only the pieces that I am working on.....BUT hopefully myself!
Sometimes you just have to realize when to start OVER and BEGIN AGAIN!
I am spinning out of my "funk" slowly also.....The little love (our grandson) has come to stay with us for a couple hours on Thursday and 1/2 the day today...He just might be better than any pill I could possibly take!! He is a very loving boy...full of hugs and kisses....along with a great sense of humor for a 4 year old!! Today, I had to put a transformer together for him (has anyone tried these things...they say they are for 5 year olds....HA!) Anyhow....I usually can figure them out and once I did...he proclaims with a hug and a kiss....MOMA (his name for me) you are amazing! Made me laugh right out loud....We got talking about making milk shakes and so we got out the blender...seems he had never seen one before, so we let him push the buttons....and was thrilled with the process of making the shake....afterwards saying....I've got to get one of them babies!
JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED! I'm still smiling!
They are not fun for either of us....
I am feeling a bit overwhelmed again today...realizing that perhaps my depression level has been altered...I can usually pull myself up and out of these fairly easily (having once suffered from both depression and anxiety attacks and no longer on any medications for these) but this one is harder to shake....My hair stylist noticed that I also have signs of my Aleopecia returning....For those who do not know what this is....your hair falls out in round spots...7 years ago I completely lost all my hair to Aleopecia (and I do MEAN ALL MY HAIR on my entire body!)....and it took some 3 years to actually come back (which surprised the Doctor)
I had grown accustomed to NOT having hair...and to NOT wearing a wig when I started sprouting hair....and now the thoughts of this happening again causes me some discomfort. I know I am NOT defined by my hair....but I was getting comfortable with having it! A lot of what they believe about Alopecia is that it is caused by stress.....GO FIGURE!
Think I just might need a BIG NAP today!
I think I might just see if the car can automatically drive itself to the offices next time....LOL
Anyhow...things are improving ....but we still have to have a game plan for the bottom teeth....and I know that they will not be doing it all at once....they are thinking that perhaps they will put him right in the hospital next time...this way he would be monitored 24 hours.....
Michael said they use to have a saying in Viet Nam...."this shit ain't fun anymore"..... He is feeling that way again....and I can't say I blame him at all....
Tomorrow is another day at the Dentist.....they will be doing blood work also to get him back on his meds...slowly...carefully....
On a happy note...I finished the garden that I was planting to flank my new walkway...and in front of my house (I tore out scrubs that were 22 years old) and started from scratch....I found the coolest solar lights that change an array of colors(red...green...blue...white) that are glass orbs... I love them....This has been my saving grace this summer....So, I am starting on another one in the back yard....I mean....why not! LOL...What else do I have to do?!?! (that was a joke son!)
Life this summer has been a series of ups and downs....in all aspects of my life...I am trying very hard to stay on the positive side of things...hoping against all odds that things will work out and that everything will return to some sort of "normal"...(whatever that is!! LOL)
Thank you to all who have stood by and supported me....who have held me up when I was down...who have wrapped their arms around me when I needed emotional support....who have shown me a tenderness that touches me deeply.....THANK YOU!
Michael is not clotting properly because of the blood thinners.....Once again they had to stop the bleeding today....new meds were ordered....the Oncologist...the Dentist...the Doctor (and perhaps an Indian Chief) all had a phone conversation and it was debated if he should go in the hospital or not....Of course Michael vote was a NO.....Finally after getting things under control once again they decided to send him home with specific instructions not to bend down...no heavy lifting....no strenuous activity...medication every 6 hours....and if any bleeding occurs....STRAIGHT TO EMERGENCY!! They have taken him off his blood thiners and of course that is something we have to watch for because of the embolisms......
And we still have the bottom teeth to go.........
HELLO.....Can anyone say OVERWHELMED?!?!
He will have to go to the dentist every day to make sure this heals.....
One heck of an evening!!.....
I feel bad for him....as there is nothing I can do to help this situation....can't take the pain away...
can't make him comfortable....but at least I know that the VA is on top of this and the dentist and her assistant were so kind and wonderful....that at least helped ease us through this....
There will have to be a new game plan for the bottom teeth.....that will be discussed tomorrow....
For now....only jello...pudding....ice cream and pain pills!
What is peripheral neuropathy?
Peripheral neuropathy describes damage to the peripheral nervous system, the vast communications network that transmits information from the brain and spinal cord (the central nervous system) to every other part of the body. Peripheral nerves also send sensory information back to the brain and spinal cord, such as a message that the feet are cold or a finger is burned. Damage to the peripheral nervous system interferes with these vital connections. Like static on a telephone line, peripheral neuropathy distorts and sometimes interrupts messages between the brain and the rest of the body.
Because every peripheral nerve has a highly specialized function in a specific part of the body, a wide array of symptoms can occur when nerves are damaged. Some people may experience temporary numbness, tingling, and pricking sensations (paresthesia), sensitivity to touch, or muscle weakness. Others may suffer more extreme symptoms, including burning pain (especially at night), muscle wasting, paralysis, or organ or gland dysfunction.
Some forms of neuropathy involve damage to only one nerve and are called mononeuropathies. More often though, multiple nerves affecting all limbs are affected-called polyneuropathy. Occasionally, two or more isolated nerves in separate areas of the body are affected-called mononeuritis multiplex.
In the most common forms of polyneuropathy, the nerve fibers (individual cells that make up the nerve) most distant from the brain and the spinal cord malfunction first. Pain and other symptoms often appear symmetrically, for example, in both feet followed by a gradual progression up both legs. Next, the fingers, hands, and arms may become affected, and symptoms can progress into the central part of the body.
So this is what we have been dealing with...(Michael is having a very difficult time walking and climbing up stairs)...along with starting tomorrow with oral surgery...Michael has so much bone loss in his mouth that he is at high risk for infections from his gums and teeth....so they have decided that the best course of action is to remove the teeth that he has left....they have to see how he will handle this by first taking out a few....and then see how he heals ...after that things will progress quicker...the oncologist wants them out as quickly as possible...as he will be starting chemo again in September....
I have been somewhat in a shell....the change in my system from not smoking caused a lot of ME to close up...well, at least the ME that use to smoke...I also took sometime off and went to the Boston area for a little R and R....I am happy to report that I am starting to feel more like ME again and I am rediscovering my voice.....Thanks to all who have written here and off line to me sending well wishes and concern....
my heart is full....
I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my
assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight.. 'I'm glad I have a good
book to read Perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought.
Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and
filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. I decided to
start a conversation. 'Where are you headed?' I asked the
soldier seated nearest to me.
'Petawawa. We'll be there for two weeks for special training,
and then we're being deployed to Afghanistan
After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that
sack lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several
hours before we reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would
help pass the time..
As I reached for my wallet, I overheard soldier ask his buddy if
he planned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for
just a sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait
till we get to base '
His friend agreed.
I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch.
I walked to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a
fifty dollar bill. 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed
my arms and squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked
me. 'My son was a soldier in Iraq ; it's almost like you are doing it
Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the
soldiers were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, 'Which do you
like best - beef or chicken?'
'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked.
She turned and went to the front of plane, returning a minute
later with a dinner plate from first class. This is your thanks.'
After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane,
heading for the rest room. A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I
want to be part of it. Here, take this.' He handed me twenty-five
Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming
down the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he
was not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers
only on my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled,
held out his hand, and said, 'I want to shake your hand.'
Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's
hand. With a booming voice he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a
military pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness
I never forgot.' I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all
of the passengers.
Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my
legs. A man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached o ut
his hand, wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars
in my palm.
When we landed I gathered my belongings and started to deplane..
Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put
something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word.
Another twenty-five dollars!
Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their
trip to the base. I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five
dollars. 'It will take you some time to reach the base. It will be
about time for a sandwich. God Bless You.'
Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of
their fellow travelers. As I walked briskly to my car, I
whispered a prayer for their safe return. These soldiers were
giving their all for our country. I could only give them a couple of meals.
It seemed so little...
A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank
check made payable to 'The United States of America ' for an amount of
'up to and including my life.'
That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country
who no longer understand it.'
I was reminded yesterday, that I have been silent here....Causing me to wonder where have the 13 days of this month gone already....Always the series of Doctors' appointments weekly...always the regular mundane chores that have to be done...always a matter of balance....I think I have been mentally checking out...dropping one plate or two...trying to focus on different things....happier things...things that cause me to feel alive...
I will confess that I have been letting go of some of my own "bad habits"!! (Yes...I know it is hard to believe that I might have them!! LOL....but trust me I DO!!) and I will now share that I am on week 3 of NOT SMOKING! (again, a hard thing to even admit that I do! Or should I say DID!!) But today, I feel good...I feel human....I feel normal....I feel full of inspiration....and finally today, I know that it is MONDAY
it is the 13th of JULY....my name is PATRICIA....I am determined....I am strong....and I am full of inspiration!!
Just how many things can I put on a plate?....How many plates can I hold in my hands?....
I am reminded of the jugglers that you see....spinning plates on sticks while standing on chairs
balancing.....while the crowd oooh's and ahhhhh's!
That is how I feel this morning.....but the balancing act is not going so well......
So the moral of this story: Take good care of your teeth....SO YOU CAN SMILE MORE! If you find that you are having a lot of problems with your teeth make sure you see a dentist...or a doctor and let them know as it may be a sign of something else going on in your body....
Once we get ourselves in that "negative" mind frame, it is often difficult to get out of it....I have never been one to say..."WHY ME?" but I have been know to say..."What the F@#*!" ...(not very lady like I humbly admit, but I did grow up in the city!!)
I have been looking at the wonderful...loving...and positive side to my life these past few days, more so than normal.....I have been trying to see how I can better help someone else in order to better help myself in the return....I have been dreaming and focusing on artwork that I will donate to different causes (my favorite: The Breast Cancer Coalition of Rochester) I have been surfing the net looking at inspiring art by people living with cancer...I have been blessed to be cancer free myself some 22 years now....I have been acting and behaving more like ME than I have in the past 10 months since this journey began....
Sometimes.....you just have to pull up your boots....pull on the big girl panties...and walk forward
through the mud...through the rain...through your life in order to reach an oasis....where you can rest....Today I am standing at the oasis....
This rare blood cancer that he has is unpredictable....it has no rhyme or reason to it...So I always have a difficult time answering those questions...
What stage: Stage IV
What is the prognosis: There is no cure for this cancer
How long: No one can tell us that (and I am not sure I would even want to know)
Today, we went to the dentist...Michael has lost a lot of teeth from this cancer (it is one of the weird things that it does) and now we have found out that he also has significant bone loss in his mouth...
So...the dentist is going to consult with the oncologist....who will consult with the VA doctors who will council us (do you follow that!! ) Because of the blood clots and being on the Coumadin plus the fact that his immune system is compromised they are not sure what the next steps would be....leave it alone....pull the rest of his teeth to prevent infections...So now we will wait till next week to find out the best plan of action. And take it from there....
So what stage are we at?
We are at the stage where we just do the best that we can each and every day....we smile when we can....we laugh when we can...we sit and talk...or just sit....we tell jokes and we play with our grandson...we get together with family and friends more...and we live life the best that we can each and every day.
I understand what you say about how you can't make people do what you think they should do, but what do you THINK they should do? After all you've gone through over the last year, do you think that you should carry things through? Are you OK with just quitting now?
I still come back to the same answers...We are all responsible for our self....no matter how much ranting or raving we do, that causes our heart to ache or our hearts to break we CAN NOT make anyone do what we think is best for them....what we think we may or may not do ....everyone must make decisions for them self....We can guide our children in directions when they are young...we can give them the tools to make choices...but eventually we must allow them to use their own judgment...to fly or fall....and as adults we may seek the advice of others when faced with decisions....we might take it....we might not...ultimately I have found that we are really just thinking out loud....we are trying to figure it out and rather than letting the questions we have for our self roll around and rattle inside our heads we verbally pass them outward...to a friend...to a relative....to a stranger at times....not always seeking an answer from them, but rather to hear the question from the outside rather than from the inside....
So what do I think should be done????? I believe I would do the MOST I could do to prolong my life....but does that mean that I would take chances...bet on the outcome...know at this moment what is right for me? NO....I do not believe that....for I can not know what it is like to walk in his shoes....His shoes at this moment are way to big for me....I flop around in them...they are not comfortable for me...they are heavy and cumbersome with steel toes that hurt me...and I can not make them fit me no matter how hard I try....
DO I think that I should carry things through???? I believe that my role will continue to be exactly as it is....that I will continue to transport him to Doctor's appointments...that I will continue to be chief cook and bottle washer....that I will continue to handle the responsibilities that come along with being a caregiver....So in that case I am carrying things through....I am continuing on....I have not changed my direction in any way...
Am I OK with quitting now????? I am not quitting.....and is Michael quitting? Or is he following his heart and doing what is best for him? That is a question that only he can answer....I will not and can not allow myself to go there....for I truly believe that it is my role to accept the decision that he makes for him self (it does not mean that I will necessarily like his decision)....I can give him information...I can gently voice my opinion (but I tend not to) I could talk till I am blue in the face....and he will still make the decision that is best for him....When we do something because some one else wants us to we often become resentful and it is done half heartily...and we do not give our all....
As we all go through life we walk to edges....sometimes we run backwards in fear...sometimes we leap with faith and learn how to fly....sometimes we stand at the edge waiting....waiting for a good wind to show us a direction....
That is where I am right now....on the edge....waiting....waiting for the wind to show me how to best use my own wings....
They have all sorts of books out called...Chicken Soup for the Soul...Chicken Soup for the Teen...
Chicken Soup...But there is nothing quite like a bowl of homemade Chicken soup to heal the soul with love from one heart to another....Thank You Phyllis! You did my heart good! And reminded me of a song that Carley Simon sang...and my kids use to love....a poem written by Maurice Sendak....My heart is still singing!
In January it's so nice
While slipping on the sliding ice
To sip hot chicken soup with rice
Sipping once, sipping twice
Sipping chicken soup with rice
In February it will be
My snowman's anniversary
With cake for him and soup for me!
Happy once, happy twice
Happy chicken soup with rice
In March the wind blows down the door
And spills my soup upon the floor
It laps it up and roars for more
Blowing once, blowing twice
Blowing chicken soup with rice
In April I will go away
To far off Spain or old Bombay
And dream about hot soup all day
Oh, my, oh, once, oh, my, oh, twice
Oh, my, oh, chicken soup with rice
In May I truly think it best
To be a robin lightly dressed
Concocting soup inside my nest
Mix it once, mix it twice
Mix that chicken soup with rice
In June I saw a charming group
Of roses all begin to droop
I pepped them up with chicken soup!
Sprinkle once, sprinkle twice
Sprinkle chicken soup with rice
In July I'll take a peep
Into the cool and fishy deep
Where chicken soup is selling cheap
Selling once, selling twice
Selling chicken soup with rice
In August it will be so hot
I will become a cooking pot
Cooking soup of course-why not?
Cooking once, cooking twice
Cooking chicken soup with rice
In September, for a while
I will ride a crocodile
Down the chicken soup-y Nile
Paddle once, paddle twice
Paddle chicken soup with rice
In October I'll be host
To witches, goblins and a ghost
I'll serve them chicken soup on toast
Whoopy once, whoopy twice
Whoopy chicken soup with rice
In November's gusty gale I will flop my flippy tail
And spout hot soup-I'll be a whale!
Spouting once, spouting twice
Spouting chicken soup with rice
In December I will be
A baubled, bangled Christmas tree
With soup bowls draped all over me
Merry once, merry twice
Merry chicken soup with rice
I told you once, I told you twice
All seasons of the year are nice
For eating chicken soup with rice
Written by: Maurice Sendak
After coming off of yesterday and now today....we sat in the glider swing and sipped lemonaid...we watched the world go by as the sun was shinning and a cool breeze danced across our bare feet....Life should always be like this I thought.....sitting comfortably...dreaming....no troubles....just swinging and sipping lemonaid...
Anyhow, the Doctor had talked to us for some 45 minutes and was setting up dental appointments, stress tests...Physic exam...and an HIV test......WHEN BAM!
Michael got hot under the collar.....and HIV test....What for? He had never used drugs...never used needles....WHAT EVER FOR! They have to rule it out...it is just part of the process.....
Well then....there will be no process....
I sat there in total shock.....why would this drawing of blood make any difference....they draw blood from him every week and check for all sorts of things....hell...they might of already checked for HIV and he wouldn't even know it....
The Doctor said she understood....she did tell him that he only has a window of opportunity here to get the paperwork in and these tests done....then sent off to Washington to have someone look them over to see if we can go to Nashville for the candidate testing....and that once the window closes...we would either have to start all over again....or the biggest threat would be that it would be to late to harvest his stem cells....
We all have said it...."WHATEVER YOU DECIDE...I WILL ABIDE BY"....but do we actually mean it when it comes to situations like this....
I tried calmly to explain to him that it was just something they had to do...it was not personal....
But he would have NO part of it.....I think now....hours later....it is just his way of saying....NO...
No more....I don't want to go through anymore....and for that I guess I can't blame him...but if you don't at least TRY how will you ever know if it would of worked?
I thought his decision would be easier for me to accept....
I have been UP and DOWN a million times over the past month....a roller coaster ride of sorts...trying to make decisions without enough information...or with to much information....Today, I am listening to my heart....Today....I follow it...weighing decisions brings about confusion and I can never make a decision when I am in the middle of confusion! LOL....who can? So I push aside confusion....I push aside guilt...I push aside right or wrong....I push aside the uncontrollable...and go straight to the core....
I am taking time off from here....from illness....
Sometimes a girl has to do.....what a girl has to do!
The week of the 15th starts a whole new series of tests... So, for now....I will relax just a little!