This is a year of "FIRSTS" for me...Michael's birthday, Memorial Day, 4th of July, the jazz festival, Corn Hill Arts Festival, Park Avenue Arts Festival, Collin's 1st day at Camp and his last day at camp, watching Collin as he proudly rides his 2 wheeler without training wheels!, and now we are coming up on Labor Day...which also marks my 60th Birthday...So how do you celebrate? What is it that you do that is "normal"...that is meaningful? People keep asking me how I am going to celebrate, and I have no idea...It CERTAINLY is a BIG BIRTHDAY! Should it go by unnoticed?... which is what I feel like it should do...I had wanted to be in Paris for my 60th...that is not going to happen this year...maybe it will only happen in my dreams I am not sure, (although I am not giving up on it quite yet)
So, this is a year of "FIRSTS"...Firsts without Michael...Firsts without my friend Marc...Firsts with trying to carve out a life of importance for myself...Firsts are pretty scary things...It seems that fear often stops me for doing things that I would not normally do...and yet, there is a part of me that says " Go ahead...try just might find you like it"...Happiness is SUCH AN IMPORTANT PART OF LIFE! Coming from a place of perfection (completely in my head of course!)holds me back...from somethings, and yet for others I step out of my comfort zone...I wonder why that is? I continue to search for my place...I continue to rearrange my that I can fit back into it...make a new one...form new bonds, dream bigger dreams...recognize that life is for living and loving.
Firsts are very scary things! However, I am trying my best!


Just what have I been doing??? Where have I been??? Elbow deep in paint! The kitchen is almost completed...I still have bi-fold doors to put back on...but the painting is done, the cleaning of cupboards, the removal of objects, new table, new light fixtures, new kitchen! It sort of sent me into a tail spin for a few days as it was a bit overwhelming...and in some way I thought perhaps I was trying to erase Michael...but NO...I am claiming my space! I am brightening my room at a time...and I have also been working on a chair for the Rochester Breast Cancer Coalition ARTrageous Affair Fund Raiser...Here it is:

Full Chair



I returned home from the Celebration of Life for my friend Marc, and I was compiled to revisit my oldest journals from the 70's! One of the reasons was because I had the opportunity to view some of his writings while I was in Baltimore...and what a wonderful mind he had...and I wanted to see where my mind was back then...
To my surprise I was wise then...I was searching my soul just as I am now...I was perhaps a bit "pollyanneish" but then what 18 year old is not...Like now, I wrote from the now I wrote a bit of now I was searching for answers to my hearts questions...So discovering that it is a process of life...never changing but always evolving...
I ran across a letter written to me with the following poem...and it strikes me loud and clear now as an adult where as a child I did not see the fullness of it...I wish in some ways I had, and wonder how my life would of been different (but then I would not be the person I am today, with all the colors of the tapestry of my life, and I would not change that now) But I share this with you today...because the truth of it is powerful for me at the moment...

I felt like climbing mountains
or using my sunbeam lasso to
herd the sweet dew together and
present it to you on this your unbirthday.

But I have found that you'r gone
when I needed and wanted to
see you the most.
I had licked my old wounds
and they had healed slowly
but I was well and perhaps a
new and better person.

Now I have nothing and the
dew is rapidly turning salty.

It's not in my power to bring
you back
But if it were I would snap
my fingers or rub the magic lamp
and you would be beside me
in golden flesh instead of nothing dreams.
And another snap of the fingers
and we would come close together
until we were one.



Everything I have ever read says that a messy house leads to a messy mind and life...I sort of believe use to be that when I got in the "funk" and a little depressed (OK, maybe a lot depressed) I would clean...But now I am finding that I am in need of change...from the top of my head to my toes...or rather from the roof of my house to the basement! So this week I started in the kitchen...I ripped off chair rail...and resurfaced the wall...and now I am painting...painting my dark terra cotta kitchen to a very light soothing yellow...with white trim...It is a total mess right now, but my mind in clear...I have a mission...a purpose...a direction! One room at a time I am transforming this house...beginning in the, I start to paint...I believe all the prep work is done...(but there are always hidden surprises when you start these projects!)
I am hoping that this change will help me along my path...if nothing else it has been exhausting enough to help me sleep!! (which is a welcome blessing!)
Change is something that we all sometimes want...need and is not something that comes easily but these small changes in my home hopefully will direct the other parts of my life!