Questions....

Many people offer me support here and off line....many people have eased my troubled mind...helped to sooth my soul and given me the extra strength on days I thought I had no more...and given me a shoulder to cry on when my defenses were down....these questions were written to me yesterday....and I have tried to answer them....I have touched them...turned them over gently...and held them... smoothing out the wrinkles that are ME to get to the truth of how I feel....They have been food for thought over the past 24 hours....and teach me a little more about myself....

I understand what you say about how you can't make people do what you think they should do, but what do you THINK they should do? After all you've gone through over the last year, do you think that you should carry things through? Are you OK with just quitting now?

I still come back to the same answers...We are all responsible for our self....no matter how much ranting or raving we do, that causes our heart to ache or our hearts to break we CAN NOT make anyone do what we think is best for them....what we think we may or may not do ....everyone must make decisions for them self....We can guide our children in directions when they are young...we can give them the tools to make choices...but eventually we must allow them to use their own judgment...to fly or fall....and as adults we may seek the advice of others when faced with decisions....we might take it....we might not...ultimately I have found that we are really just thinking out loud....we are trying to figure it out and rather than letting the questions we have for our self roll around and rattle inside our heads we verbally pass them outward...to a friend...to a relative....to a stranger at times....not always seeking an answer from them, but rather to hear the question from the outside rather than from the inside....
So what do I think should be done????? I believe I would do the MOST I could do to prolong my life....but does that mean that I would take chances...bet on the outcome...know at this moment what is right for me? NO....I do not believe that....for I can not know what it is like to walk in his shoes....His shoes at this moment are way to big for me....I flop around in them...they are not comfortable for me...they are heavy and cumbersome with steel toes that hurt me...and I can not make them fit me no matter how hard I try....
DO I think that I should carry things through????
I believe that my role will continue to be exactly as it is....that I will continue to transport him to Doctor's appointments...that I will continue to be chief cook and bottle washer....that I will continue to handle the responsibilities that come along with being a caregiver....So in that case I am carrying things through....I am continuing on....I have not changed my direction in any way...
Am I OK with quitting now????? I am not quitting.....and is Michael quitting? Or is he following his heart and doing what is best for him? That is a question that only he can answer....I will not and can not allow myself to go there....for I truly believe that it is my role to accept the decision that he makes for him self (it does not mean that I will necessarily like his decision)....I can give him information...I can gently voice my opinion (but I tend not to) I could talk till I am blue in the face....and he will still make the decision that is best for him....When we do something because some one else wants us to we often become resentful and it is done half heartily...and we do not give our all....
As we all go through life we walk to edges....sometimes we run backwards in fear...sometimes we leap with faith and learn how to fly....sometimes we stand at the edge waiting....waiting for a good wind to show us a direction....
That is where I am right now....on the edge....waiting....waiting for the wind to show me how to best use my own wings....



7 comments:

Brenda said...

and Girlfriend --you have some beautiful wings!!!! I can feel you standing there--strong and steady--yet vunerable(sp) and soft...keep bending in the breeze-swaying to the music...doing what you must.......till that time when you may use your beautiful wings...to fly and soar....into the next chapter--
love you
bb

Merry ME said...

Your answers are well-thought out and delicately written. You sound as if you are at peace. What else can you do?

Stand on the edge and be prepared to fly, but don't forget you are not alone.

Pat Dalke said...

Dear Pattie:

You are right, this is a decision that only Michael can make. I suspect that it has been something that he has devoted time to.

I can't imagine you responding any other way to his decision than you have for the past year... with courage and love.

It is O.K. not to like the decision to even be angry with the decision...acceptance doesn't always come overnight.

How you live each day together is something that you both CAN share.

Always holding you in prayer.

Pat

Anonymous said...

Dear Pattie:

Just wanted to comment on your paragraph describing Michael's shoes...you betcha those shoes are BIG and steel toed.

Bless him, it takes tremendous courage to go through each of his days.

I've thought a lot about it over the past few years and when it comes down to it, we each only have this day. Some days can be so sweet and I try to hold on to them when the going gets tough. I try to remember not to take them for granted and yet, sometimes I do.

Guess that's life kiddo...but we're in it together and you do always have quite a few somebodies you can count on to listen, to care, to pray and to laugh when it's appropriate.

Pat

Anonymous said...

Dear Pattie, you are so right about not being able to make the decision for other people. It sometimes hurts our hearts, watching them make decisions that we may not agree with. I guess that's all any of us really have in life, the right to make our own decisions. You have done what you know in your heart is the right thing to do, that is to love Michael and to be there for him every step of this long journey. Whatever decision he makes will be the right one, for him. You have beautiful wings (and words) and you will continue to soar, you may float or even take a little dip from time to time, but you will regain your faith and strength and you will soar again.

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. It is something that nobody should have to endure. I know that there have been and will be days that you think you can't do this another day. That's okay, you are human and you love the person you are caring for. Isn't he lucky to have someone love him so much that they can't bear the thought of life without him? We should all be so lucky to have someone like you in our corner. I pray for a slight breeze to keep you gently afloat and to bring peace to your heart and mind.

Sending a warm hug from Denver,
Deb

Halo Hill said...

Well, I was about to add something I thought may be a little profound, and then I see that "Deb from Denver" who is one of my dearest friends for 40 years beat me to it! I agree with Deb, she put it more beautifully than I could. Sometimes all we have of our own, is our own decision.

Sending you love and prayers,

Sheila

Barb said...

Pattie,

Your strength, understanding, patience, and wisdom are God's blessings. You articulated the answers to tough questions as only you know how, with love, compassion and beauty of language. I would find it so difficult, at times, to not just go out into the woods and just scream and cry and pray for more strength and patience.

Love and hugs and prayers,
Barb