Questions....

Many people offer me support here and off line....many people have eased my troubled mind...helped to sooth my soul and given me the extra strength on days I thought I had no more...and given me a shoulder to cry on when my defenses were down....these questions were written to me yesterday....and I have tried to answer them....I have touched them...turned them over gently...and held them... smoothing out the wrinkles that are ME to get to the truth of how I feel....They have been food for thought over the past 24 hours....and teach me a little more about myself....

I understand what you say about how you can't make people do what you think they should do, but what do you THINK they should do? After all you've gone through over the last year, do you think that you should carry things through? Are you OK with just quitting now?

I still come back to the same answers...We are all responsible for our self....no matter how much ranting or raving we do, that causes our heart to ache or our hearts to break we CAN NOT make anyone do what we think is best for them....what we think we may or may not do ....everyone must make decisions for them self....We can guide our children in directions when they are young...we can give them the tools to make choices...but eventually we must allow them to use their own judgment...to fly or fall....and as adults we may seek the advice of others when faced with decisions....we might take it....we might not...ultimately I have found that we are really just thinking out loud....we are trying to figure it out and rather than letting the questions we have for our self roll around and rattle inside our heads we verbally pass them outward...to a friend...to a relative....to a stranger at times....not always seeking an answer from them, but rather to hear the question from the outside rather than from the inside....
So what do I think should be done????? I believe I would do the MOST I could do to prolong my life....but does that mean that I would take chances...bet on the outcome...know at this moment what is right for me? NO....I do not believe that....for I can not know what it is like to walk in his shoes....His shoes at this moment are way to big for me....I flop around in them...they are not comfortable for me...they are heavy and cumbersome with steel toes that hurt me...and I can not make them fit me no matter how hard I try....
DO I think that I should carry things through???? I believe that my role will continue to be exactly as it is....that I will continue to transport him to Doctor's appointments...that I will continue to be chief cook and bottle washer....that I will continue to handle the responsibilities that come along with being a caregiver....So in that case I am carrying things through....I am continuing on....I have not changed my direction in any way...
Am I OK with quitting now????? I am not quitting.....and is Michael quitting? Or is he following his heart and doing what is best for him? That is a question that only he can answer....I will not and can not allow myself to go there....for I truly believe that it is my role to accept the decision that he makes for him self (it does not mean that I will necessarily like his decision)....I can give him information...I can gently voice my opinion (but I tend not to) I could talk till I am blue in the face....and he will still make the decision that is best for him....When we do something because some one else wants us to we often become resentful and it is done half heartily...and we do not give our all....
As we all go through life we walk to edges....sometimes we run backwards in fear...sometimes we leap with faith and learn how to fly....sometimes we stand at the edge waiting....waiting for a good wind to show us a direction....
That is where I am right now....on the edge....waiting....waiting for the wind to show me how to best use my own wings....