When Michael can barely get out of his chair without slumping over...the pain in his legs hurts so much. I watch as he struggles with the ordinary of tasks....He insists that he has certain things that he alone must do...unloading the dishwasher...vacuuming the rug...making a bed...And although none of these things take a great deal of talent or time...they zap him of energy. I have tried (unsuccessfully) to say that I would do them....but it is a part that he feels he can play in the running of this house...everything else defaults to me....Don't get me wrong...I am grateful for the things that he does...I am happy that he is still able to do them...I struggle some days with myself when I get a little upset because some things have to be redone...so why not just let me do them in the first place....and then I have days like today, when I remember that HE has to have these things...HE has to be important and feel productive.....HE has to be a part of this and it DOES take some pressure off of me....
And then I remember, that even if it is not done perfectly it just doesn't matter!
rambles from the shadow side of life...About living...about living with dying....This is where my heart will pour forth...this is where my shadow will be exposed...this is where I will cry...where I will laugh...where I will become one with that shadow of life...
1 comment:
A few weeks ago, at dinner, my father blurted out, "I almost slapped your hands today." I was immediately 6 years old, feeling cowed and hurt and unappreciated. All I had done was open the car door for him because it was raining and I was going to help put his walker in the back seat.
Maybe he didn't say it with all the grace in the world, but I think he was saying, what you've just re-iterated. He NEEDS to do things on his own. He NEEDS to have his own chores. It's not about me, it's about his need for purpose.
Next time for sure I'll sit in the warm dry car while he's getting wet. I'll pray he won't slip and fall. If he does, I'll ask before I pick him up. Sometimes he reminds me of a stubborn 2 year old demanding independence. Even when it's easier to do it myself, you've reminded me what's important is the will.
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