Michael is at chemo today...I went for my usual hour, but then left...its to warm in there and it makes me very tired just sitting there for the duration when I know I can be doing something here...painting...writing...something for me....
The Doctor was not pleased that we did not call with the numbness that is going on in his jaw and chin on the right side....this is a side effect and could mean trouble....they are doing the chemo today with an additional drip added BUT if the numbness continues...or gets worse...I HAVE TO CALL! Now, I know Michael heard that...and chemo brain or not I HAVE TO CALL!! He definitely does not remember much in the short term department these days....long term is no problem...but I did tell him that the chemo brain or not I would follow the Doctors orders and my own gut....which my gut did tell me to call last week, but I followed his wishes....
And here is where the frustration comes in.....When do you over step someones' wishes????? This really is his journey...but if I don't do all I can to prevent some unforeseen thing from happening do I have to take the blame for it??? If I don't call the Doctor because of a request from him am I being a bad wife....or a good wife?????
FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
rambles from the shadow side of life...About living...about living with dying....This is where my heart will pour forth...this is where my shadow will be exposed...this is where I will cry...where I will laugh...where I will become one with that shadow of life...
3 comments:
Oh Patty, I hear ya girlfriend. In my case it's am I a good daughter or a know-it-all. I often get, "so when did you go to medical school?" The difference being my dad isn't nearly as sick as your hubby so it's just him being ornery.
Listen to you gut. I think that's the answer. Your gut is right there next to your heart and your heart knows what to do. Trust you and be understanding with him. Then "just do it"!
Oh, sister, such hard questions! When you told Michael that you would follow the Doctors orders and your own gut; what was his reation?
If he's not remembering short term things repeat this statement again when it becomes necessary or write it out and post it where you both can see it.
We're back in Atlanta with our son and have been here since just after Thanksgiving. His cancer has returned, 11 months after his donor transplant. His bones are comprimised and he has two broken arms.
Not a lot he can do for himself, it's so frustrating for him. We try very hard to let him have as much power as possible. We don't always agree but there is that element of this being HIS JOURNEY!
I'm not sure about BLAME Pattie. I know you're trying your very best under very difficult circumstances. Everyday we do something that causes consternation, but we've pretty much learned to let it go by the end of the day or sooner, otherwise, we JUST COULDN'T DO THS!
Please know that you are not alone and sometimes we feel like we're groping in the dark.
I will continue to hold you and Michael in my prayers.
you are the GOOD WIFE !!!!!!!no matter what! please do not even think of doubting yourself!!!!!!!!!
love you tons
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