First you cry...

I remember a book being written a long time back with this title...First You Cry by Betty Rollins.
And today....I am thinking about that....But I did not cry first...First I was in SHOCK....and it wasn't till many weeks later that I cried...and NOW...NOW...as I sit patiently trying to read my book...watching as a poison is being administered into the veins through a catheter in my husbands neck...I am MAD....because there is little I can do to help...because there is no cure for this type of cancer and this is more of a band-aide than anything...because as I watch him go through this treatment I also watch my life changing before my eyes...because sometimes it just doesn't seem fair (as selfish as that thought is)... because the road ahead is paved with rocks that I am not sure I can maneuver around (and that makes me feel weak and helpless)...As I sit patiently once again through another day of blood transfusions (he gets these once a week) ...watching as my husband closes his eyes and allows himself to sleep...perhaps to dream that things will turn out with a miracle (they do happen you know he tells me) and once again the 3 hours slowly drifts by and I have continued to read the same lines over and over in my good book....and then...just then...when I think I can't go on another minute doing this...being the caregiver....he opens his eyes and looks over in the direction that I sit (because he can no longer clearly see) he smiles...and he tells me that I am a good wife...that I have been a good partner...that we can get through this...that things will somehow be alright...and then....then I feel the salty tears...And then I cry...softly...silently as I reach for his hand and tell him....Yes....Yes we can! (and I hold on to the hope and miracle that he holds in his heart...and we are one)