although I was loaded down with questions...I did not receive very many answers (at least not concrete answers) ...Mostly ..."we have to wait and see" The biggest thing is that he has to get the bone marrow biopsy to re stage him...He will still be in Stage IV of the cancer(or so she believes from his blood work) but there are letters and numbers that go after that ...Right now he is in STAGE IV...B (which is the B cell of the blood) and has 3 out of 4 making him fall into the aggressive cancer category...She does not expect this to change...and when he had the last bone marrow biopsy it was in 65% to 75% range of his marrow....She is hoping that has NOT increased...
He may or may not be a candidate for the bone marrow transplant depending on where that % is now...as he would have to have enough healthy stem cells to harvest. The reason to do the transplant is to REALLY be able to give him such a HIGH CHEMO treatment that it literally kills off everything (which means both good and bad cells) so the transplant is necessary because otherwise you die immediately. If he did have this...the HOPE would be that the new healthy stem cells that would be placed in the bone marrow would NOT allow the cancer to return for a longer length of time...perhaps a year...the problems with blood cancer is that it hides out in different organs and then floats back into the blood stream...taking over quickly...
If he did not have this treatment or if he is not a candidate for it he would or could get 3 more high dose treatments of the chemo he is getting now...hoping that might slow it down...and he could continue to get blood washings and transfusions....although eventually this would not be enough....
They are not setting a time limit on anything at this moment...
She DID say that it would be good to go on a vacation and try to relax a little before more treatments are done...She suggested as early as April...So now I will start doing some work on places to go in Florida (but it will have to be within driving distance of a VA hospital...just encase)
And actually this will give him something GOOD to look forward to...
So am I still confused?...Sort of....But...I continue forward...one step...one day at a time....Nothing more....nothing less!
rambles from the shadow side of life...About living...about living with dying....This is where my heart will pour forth...this is where my shadow will be exposed...this is where I will cry...where I will laugh...where I will become one with that shadow of life...
5 comments:
Oh, Pattie. I have no words, except that in our cyber-space world I have grown so fond of you and Michael and was hoping for really good news... a miracle. I don't give up on miracles, though! Go to Florida, relax, and love each other!
Hugs! xoxo
this is so big, pattie.
one foot in front of the other, ya know? you're doin' it. you're makin' it thru. one step at a time.
holding you in my heart....
Dearest Pattie,
Questions...we all have questions we live with..Why? How? When? Who? What? Where? Yours are such difficult and scary questions right now.
I think that sometimes when living with questions to which there are no immediate definitive answers, it seems as if our questions beget more questions with even more illusive answers that flutter just beyond our reach like butterflies at twilight. But then sometimes I think that maybe life is like the game show Jeopardy and we already have the answers, but the matching question remains unasked.
The first part of the word question is "quest" which is a search, an adventurous journey undertaken to find what one is looking for. It is a privilge to be allowed to watch, and listen and learn from you while you live the questions that this quest, this journey through Michael's illness takes you. I send you all my love xoxo
Rainer Maria Rilke - Live the Questions Now
"...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903
in Letters to a Young Poet
Dear Pattie ~
Holding you in the light and honoring you...
Perhaps you already have a special spot in mind but if not, I highly recommend Anna Maria Island on the Gulf. It's quaint, the "natives" are oh-so friendly, and the water and beaches are absolute heaven.
Much love always,
Tina (T2)
I love that you are full of questions! That means you are living and coping with will your illness, you haven't given up! I do wish you could get some answers! But keep asking questions!
I'm glad she told you to take a vacation and to relax! Getting away for just a day or two, and doing something different helps!
Hugs, blessings, and prayers all coming your way!
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