What a difference a HUG makes....ever notice that? When you are wrapped up in someones arms...tightly...safely...feeling them feel you...being acknowledged...being loved...being seen and felt.
What a difference a HUG makes....GIVE ONE OUT TODAY!
echo gram...
Up and out of the house at the ungodly hour of 7:45 this morning...in order to get the hospital for an echo gram....My day started way to early for me!! (at least with the respect of getting in the car and out of the house on a cold morning!) So once again....we wait....to find out results....Michael's blood work looks pretty good....but it appears as if he might have an infection somewhere....and now the question is ....where???? His protein level (which is the B cell cancer) has not changed at all since his last round of chemo (Feb. 09)....It is at 9.1 (normal is 4) although at one time it was 9.8 the chemo has stopped the growth of this cancer a bit....because he wants to continue with this line of treatment I am getting the impression that he is putting on a "good face" with side effects...and pushes himself a bit to make me believe he is doing OK....If he really thinks after 27 years of being with someone I am not aware of what he is doing....well....he is mistaken!! LOL...but for now as I "watch" and I will let him think he is pulling a fast one!! LOL....sometimes you just have to let them believe that they are getting away with something..pulling the wool over your eyes so to say...sometimes you just have to play the game!! LOL....
Frustration...
Michael is at chemo today...I went for my usual hour, but then left...its to warm in there and it makes me very tired just sitting there for the duration when I know I can be doing something here...painting...writing...something for me....
The Doctor was not pleased that we did not call with the numbness that is going on in his jaw and chin on the right side....this is a side effect and could mean trouble....they are doing the chemo today with an additional drip added BUT if the numbness continues...or gets worse...I HAVE TO CALL! Now, I know Michael heard that...and chemo brain or not I HAVE TO CALL!! He definitely does not remember much in the short term department these days....long term is no problem...but I did tell him that the chemo brain or not I would follow the Doctors orders and my own gut....which my gut did tell me to call last week, but I followed his wishes....
And here is where the frustration comes in.....When do you over step someones' wishes????? This really is his journey...but if I don't do all I can to prevent some unforeseen thing from happening do I have to take the blame for it??? If I don't call the Doctor because of a request from him am I being a bad wife....or a good wife?????
FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Doctor was not pleased that we did not call with the numbness that is going on in his jaw and chin on the right side....this is a side effect and could mean trouble....they are doing the chemo today with an additional drip added BUT if the numbness continues...or gets worse...I HAVE TO CALL! Now, I know Michael heard that...and chemo brain or not I HAVE TO CALL!! He definitely does not remember much in the short term department these days....long term is no problem...but I did tell him that the chemo brain or not I would follow the Doctors orders and my own gut....which my gut did tell me to call last week, but I followed his wishes....
And here is where the frustration comes in.....When do you over step someones' wishes????? This really is his journey...but if I don't do all I can to prevent some unforeseen thing from happening do I have to take the blame for it??? If I don't call the Doctor because of a request from him am I being a bad wife....or a good wife?????
FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Almost there...
We are almost through the first week of chemo...Monday, Michael will have another treatment...the side effects have calmed down a bit, but we know they will start back up....So you adjust your thinking...you take the good with the bad...knowing that the chemo will keep the cancer...(the division of the cancer cells resting for a while more)...He can't have these treatments that much longer...I believe he can only have one more round of them...which might hold all this at bay for another 6 months....after that I am not sure what the game plan will be....We have decided to hold off on testing of the problems he is having with his legs...neck and head...One can only have so many things on ones plate at one time....
For today, the sun is shining once again here in upstate NY....you might think we were on the verge of Spring...but we who live here know better!! But there is very little snow on the ground, even though the temperture is cold...the sun is out and "I feel fine" (as the Beatles would say!)
For today, the sun is shining once again here in upstate NY....you might think we were on the verge of Spring...but we who live here know better!! But there is very little snow on the ground, even though the temperture is cold...the sun is out and "I feel fine" (as the Beatles would say!)
He said....She said....
Michael never complains...I mean NEVER! He can be having a very rough day...and half the time I don't even know what is going on unless he tells the Doctor....Last night he was all wrapped up in a blanket....feeling very cold (a side effect of the chemo) even though the temp in this house was 70
(me in short sleeves!! a little to sauna like!!) and he tells me he has a shooting pain in his left side of his face....his lip is numb on that side also....I mean, the pain was so bad that he actually took a pain pill....and that never happens, even when he was having his teeth extracted....So, I said to him that I am going to call the Doctor....he says....wait till morning....Fast forward to a few hours sleep for me....and he says when asked how he is this morning....still wrapped in a blanket....OH...GOOD...really....GOOD.....
She said to herself.....Do I believe this?????????????????? Or does he just not want me to call the Doctor??????? HUMMMMMMM.....she said to herself! Have to keep my sleepy eyes open today!
(me in short sleeves!! a little to sauna like!!) and he tells me he has a shooting pain in his left side of his face....his lip is numb on that side also....I mean, the pain was so bad that he actually took a pain pill....and that never happens, even when he was having his teeth extracted....So, I said to him that I am going to call the Doctor....he says....wait till morning....Fast forward to a few hours sleep for me....and he says when asked how he is this morning....still wrapped in a blanket....OH...GOOD...really....GOOD.....
She said to herself.....Do I believe this?????????????????? Or does he just not want me to call the Doctor??????? HUMMMMMMM.....she said to herself! Have to keep my sleepy eyes open today!
Day 2
The effects of chemo are apparent...a warmness of the skin...a clammy feeling...headache...tired...
nauseous...
I am attentive...watching...helping where I can...
There is blood work that has to be done today...and a dentist appointment...
nauseous...
I am attentive...watching...helping where I can...
There is blood work that has to be done today...and a dentist appointment...
The news....
The news wasn't bad....it wasn't good....It just was....
The CAT scan did not show anything sinister.....but that means that more tests will have to be preformed to find out why there is so much pain in his legs and shoulders...neck...head....
Chemo did start again today....It will run for 6 weeks....One day a week (Mondays) and the drip takes 6 hours because of the strength of the solution.....So, I came home today to wait for some of those hours to pass....
Any testing will take place after the 6 weeks of chemo is over....And we need to see what his reaction to the chemo is going to be....
All in all.....Life continues on....one day at a time....
The CAT scan did not show anything sinister.....but that means that more tests will have to be preformed to find out why there is so much pain in his legs and shoulders...neck...head....
Chemo did start again today....It will run for 6 weeks....One day a week (Mondays) and the drip takes 6 hours because of the strength of the solution.....So, I came home today to wait for some of those hours to pass....
Any testing will take place after the 6 weeks of chemo is over....And we need to see what his reaction to the chemo is going to be....
All in all.....Life continues on....one day at a time....
OK...SO....
Finally a call from the Oncology office....OK....SO....they would not discuss anything over the phone!
And we have an appointment at the office on Monday morning at 9:30....AND chemo will start Monday after they tell us about the results from the CAT scan....
OK....SO....I don't know anymore than that....I am a little anxious now....just having received this call....Is it good news???? Is it bad news???? OK ... SO...what does this all mean?????
So another 6 more days of waiting....Guess I'll keep cleaning!!
And we have an appointment at the office on Monday morning at 9:30....AND chemo will start Monday after they tell us about the results from the CAT scan....
OK....SO....I don't know anymore than that....I am a little anxious now....just having received this call....Is it good news???? Is it bad news???? OK ... SO...what does this all mean?????
So another 6 more days of waiting....Guess I'll keep cleaning!!
Relief....
There is some relief just having this CAT scan over and done with.....the results will take a few days. Yesterday, they told us at the lab that because we are at a weekend don't be surprised if you don't hear from the Doctor till Monday....SO....the weekend is free I guess ...and I am keeping busy cleaning my studio which has become quite a mess this year....mainly because I just didn't care....piling things here and there....now to the point where if I don't clean it there is nowhere to work....I have a small space to create in as I do my affirmations daily...but it is just a small fraction of what size this room is!! So this weekend I will continue to tackle this job...small steps to trying to clean up the mess of my own creating! Things happen like that I guess when you aren't aware...or don't want to be aware of your surroundings....when other things seem to get in the way....But I don't want to feel cluttered anymore....I want to feel free....FREE to do and be ME....to create to my hearts content....So if that means I have to clean house...(in more rooms than one!) than that means I have to clean house!
BIG DAY!
We go for the CAT scan this morning....It is a BIG day....scared as heck....but getting in the car anyhow!! Holding on to good wishes!
Remembering...
This April we will be celebrating 25 years of marriage....YES....we have beaten the stats!! (especially considering that we had both been married before) As I sit here this morning I am remembering....remembering the moment that love appeared.....We were out on a date (remember those...when boys called girls up and asked them out and picked up the tab!!) and we had gone to a restaurant in the very artsy section of town that overlooks the river....after dinner we walked on the bridge that crosses the river....there was a moment while walking when he took me in his arms....and started slow dancing with me right on that bridge....while singing "Light of my Life"
Now how was he to know that, that very song was a favorite of mine?!! Because when I was a little girl my Father use to sing it to me...and my Father also gave me a music box that played that tune (which has long since disappeared much to my dismay)....How was he to know? How was he to know how much that could of possibly touched my heart?
And thru the ups and the downs....the ins and the outs of these 25 years (actually we have been together 27) he still tells me every day that I am the Light of his Life.....
Today I remember that moment that love entered my heart....
Now how was he to know that, that very song was a favorite of mine?!! Because when I was a little girl my Father use to sing it to me...and my Father also gave me a music box that played that tune (which has long since disappeared much to my dismay)....How was he to know? How was he to know how much that could of possibly touched my heart?
And thru the ups and the downs....the ins and the outs of these 25 years (actually we have been together 27) he still tells me every day that I am the Light of his Life.....
Today I remember that moment that love entered my heart....
Waiting....
This week is creeping by...probably because every day since New Years day I have thought it was Sunday! LOL....Holidays do that to me....confuse my pattern of days! So here we wait for Thursday, to have the CAT scan done....I am trying to stay in the moment of NOW....not venturing ahead...not thinking of what the outcome may or may not be....Sometimes this is easier said than done....but I am certainly giving it a good try....So I manage to stay busy, as I wait. The decorations put safely in the boxes for next year...bills paid for the month....groceries boughten as I try to eat healthier...Doing things that keep my mind busy....But here it is only Tuesday...and I'm running out of things to do!! LOL....
There are days...
When Michael can barely get out of his chair without slumping over...the pain in his legs hurts so much. I watch as he struggles with the ordinary of tasks....He insists that he has certain things that he alone must do...unloading the dishwasher...vacuuming the rug...making a bed...And although none of these things take a great deal of talent or time...they zap him of energy. I have tried (unsuccessfully) to say that I would do them....but it is a part that he feels he can play in the running of this house...everything else defaults to me....Don't get me wrong...I am grateful for the things that he does...I am happy that he is still able to do them...I struggle some days with myself when I get a little upset because some things have to be redone...so why not just let me do them in the first place....and then I have days like today, when I remember that HE has to have these things...HE has to be important and feel productive.....HE has to be a part of this and it DOES take some pressure off of me....
And then I remember, that even if it is not done perfectly it just doesn't matter!
And then I remember, that even if it is not done perfectly it just doesn't matter!
Answering the Questions....New Years Day!
Question 1
What are some games or activities you like to do that you find challenging and fun? (Resilience)
1. play in my studio (at least when it is not so messy)
2. try new projects....making dolls...new art supplies
3. going to galleries and art openings
4. trying to do several things in one day!
Question 2
What are some games or activities you like to do that make you laugh? (Emotion Awareness)
1. singing!
2. dancing!
3. talking with friends
4. brain storming
Question 3
What are some new things you've been wanting to try? (Goal Setting)
1. learning a foreign language (maybe French for that trip to Paris!)
2. learning how to use Fimo
3. making jewelry
Question 4
What are some things you can do that leverage your strengths and skills? (Empowerment)
1. say NO when I mean NO
2. stay true to my spirit
3. laugh more in the face of adversity
4. not let things (little) get to me so much
Question 5
What are some things you can do that are fun and will make someone else happy? (Optimism)
1. give things away for no reason...pieces of art...random acts of kindness
2. call my mother more often
3. bake for someone else
4. share myself more freely with others without candy coating
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