Shut Up...Shut Down...Shut Out...
That is what I tend to do when things overwhelm me and fear sets in...
Knowing perfectly well that no one can read what is going on in my mind...no one can guess what it is I need or do not need...Knowing that when I do the 3 Shuts that I isolate myself....But none the less that is what I tend to do when I am overwhelmed and fearful...
The chair in the corner...
I made the call early this morning...and into the Doctors office we went....The Nurses had Michael's chair
all ready for him....the chair in the corner...where he can see everyone coming and going...out of the way of all the commotion that goes on there...two blankets and a pillow... Blood was drawn...and his platelet counts were now dangerously low...a low normal is 130....he measured 3...So platelets were ordered and it was going to take a while...which really didn't matter as we were going to be there for 2 to 3 hours anyhow because they were giving him IV fluids...
The Doctor talked to Michael and made it very clear to him that everything that they are doing now is to just keep him alive....He again said that he was willing to continue doing this even if it meant that he came to the office every day of the week to get transfusions and fluid...whatever gave him another day...
I sit....I watch him sleep...I read a book....sometimes I read the same line a dozen or so times....I don't leave him there anymore and go about doing errands...I don't know why that is...but all of a sudden I am not comfortable doing that...So I stay there 2 hours...5 hours...whatever...sitting in a chair ...next to the chair in the corner...getting him water or plumping up the pillow...
It has been a long week (the only day we were not in the office was Wednesday)....we are scheduled to go again tomorrow to hopefully get him through the weekend and then he has an appointment for Monday...they cannot give him chemo unless his counts are up...so hopefully all these booster shots that he is getting will help...
I was talking to a dear heart today...who lost her husband not to long ago...we laughed...we shed a tear or two together...but kindred spirits are we...and I know when I need someone she will be there with her open heart...and arms....healing.
Someone asked me how I did this...(got through each day)...and I said...Well, I could sit around and cry in my beer....but you know, I would rather drink it!
Raise a glass to someone today!
BE WELL
all ready for him....the chair in the corner...where he can see everyone coming and going...out of the way of all the commotion that goes on there...two blankets and a pillow... Blood was drawn...and his platelet counts were now dangerously low...a low normal is 130....he measured 3...So platelets were ordered and it was going to take a while...which really didn't matter as we were going to be there for 2 to 3 hours anyhow because they were giving him IV fluids...
The Doctor talked to Michael and made it very clear to him that everything that they are doing now is to just keep him alive....He again said that he was willing to continue doing this even if it meant that he came to the office every day of the week to get transfusions and fluid...whatever gave him another day...
I sit....I watch him sleep...I read a book....sometimes I read the same line a dozen or so times....I don't leave him there anymore and go about doing errands...I don't know why that is...but all of a sudden I am not comfortable doing that...So I stay there 2 hours...5 hours...whatever...sitting in a chair ...next to the chair in the corner...getting him water or plumping up the pillow...
It has been a long week (the only day we were not in the office was Wednesday)....we are scheduled to go again tomorrow to hopefully get him through the weekend and then he has an appointment for Monday...they cannot give him chemo unless his counts are up...so hopefully all these booster shots that he is getting will help...
I was talking to a dear heart today...who lost her husband not to long ago...we laughed...we shed a tear or two together...but kindred spirits are we...and I know when I need someone she will be there with her open heart...and arms....healing.
Someone asked me how I did this...(got through each day)...and I said...Well, I could sit around and cry in my beer....but you know, I would rather drink it!
Raise a glass to someone today!
BE WELL
REALITY HITS...We don't look like this anymore!
Yesterday we celebrated my Mother's 85th birthday....We had a small gathering of select friends and all most all the family (my brother and family live in Florida and could not make it here)...Anyhow, Michael was feeling well enough to go to the brunch (he usually does better in the morning) We put a game plan in place just encase he had to bow out early....We got dressed and drove with my son to the restaurant....
REALITY HIT....and HIT HARD....
I am so accustomed to being with Michael 24/7 either here at home or at the Doctor's office (among other people who are living in various stages of cancer) that my vision is blinded....and it really wasn't until we were sitting in the restaurant among "healthy" people that I realized how sick he looks now....how thin and fragile he is...how his face appears sunken more now than before...how he walks very slowly and not very steady...and shakes more than I remember....
Maybe this reality hit me because I see him every day....that I look to see if he is sleeping to much or running a fever...or other side effects that I must take notice of...over looking everything else....Maybe it is because I am so close to the situation that I do not want to see what is taking place right before me...Maybe it is because there are not others around for me to compare the difference in him...
Maybe it is because his spirit is still the same...Maybe it is because he laughs a lot...Maybe it is because he continues to make me believe that everything is going to be alright...Maybe it is because he has maintained his sense of humor...
I think more likely it is because LOVE surrounds us....
BE WELL....
Happy Spring...
Wishing all a HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SPRING!!!!!!!!!
We are off and celebrating my mother's 85th birthday (which is really tomorrow)
Michael actually feels good enough to go....back up plan in order encase he needs to leave early!
ENJOY your day and....
BE WELL
We are off and celebrating my mother's 85th birthday (which is really tomorrow)
Michael actually feels good enough to go....back up plan in order encase he needs to leave early!
ENJOY your day and....
BE WELL
Difficult ...
It has been a difficult couple of weeks....Filled with many Doctor appointments due to Michael's very low blood counts....He has had lots of IV fluids because he is so dehydrated and he is very anemic so he is also getting blood transfusions (they have to give the blood bank 24 hours to locate the blood that he requires because it has to contain some kind of anti-body and it is not that common)
Today he was suppose to get his medi-port put in, (which goes under the skin up by the collar bone) but they could not place it in him because his platelet count was so low and they would not risk the fact that he might not be able to clot...so they put in a pick line which goes in his arm...this is a temporary thing but it will save him from having to be stuck with needles every time a procedure needs to be done...his veins are collapsing and rolling so it is becoming very difficult for them to find one to use...He is down to 135 pounds now...and is barely eating...but he maintains his spirit....
Some days....some moments are better for me than others...
He has decided that he will continue on fighting until his body says no more...we are in it for the long haul...
BE WELL...
Today he was suppose to get his medi-port put in, (which goes under the skin up by the collar bone) but they could not place it in him because his platelet count was so low and they would not risk the fact that he might not be able to clot...so they put in a pick line which goes in his arm...this is a temporary thing but it will save him from having to be stuck with needles every time a procedure needs to be done...his veins are collapsing and rolling so it is becoming very difficult for them to find one to use...He is down to 135 pounds now...and is barely eating...but he maintains his spirit....
Some days....some moments are better for me than others...
He has decided that he will continue on fighting until his body says no more...we are in it for the long haul...
BE WELL...
could it be????
The snow has melted here....I saw a Robin....
Could it almost be Spring here in upstate NY in 9 more days?
Michael spent the day in the Oncology office yesterday....I watched the little love (who has eye infections)
It was a long and draining day....Michael needed to have IV fluids again (he is very dehydrated) and he
needed an antibiotic IV....now he is on oral antibiotics....He goes into the hospital on Tuesday for his out patient medi-port to be put in...right after we will go to the Oncology clinic to have blood drawn and see if the counts are good enough for chemo....keeping our fingers crossed that they are....
I am taking an hour to go to the little loves house as he is home from school and Michael's doctor highly suggested that with Michael's very low immune system he not be around a sneezey and runny nose little one...who forgets to wash his hands! So I am the between guy....between when Mommy goes to work and
Daddy can pick him up....We are all working together....and I do not want to be gone to long....
BE WELL....
Could it almost be Spring here in upstate NY in 9 more days?
Michael spent the day in the Oncology office yesterday....I watched the little love (who has eye infections)
It was a long and draining day....Michael needed to have IV fluids again (he is very dehydrated) and he
needed an antibiotic IV....now he is on oral antibiotics....He goes into the hospital on Tuesday for his out patient medi-port to be put in...right after we will go to the Oncology clinic to have blood drawn and see if the counts are good enough for chemo....keeping our fingers crossed that they are....
I am taking an hour to go to the little loves house as he is home from school and Michael's doctor highly suggested that with Michael's very low immune system he not be around a sneezey and runny nose little one...who forgets to wash his hands! So I am the between guy....between when Mommy goes to work and
Daddy can pick him up....We are all working together....and I do not want to be gone to long....
BE WELL....
Simply put....JUST NOT MYSELF!
Ever have one of those days?...weeks?...maybe months? where you just did not feel like yourself! Your true self...I am feeling that way....I feel as if I have a heavy blanket over me and I am buried underneath it....I can go about doing ALL the things that I have to do, but I can't get out from underneath this blanket....And to make matters worse, if someone comes to try to help me take the blanket off....I pull it tighter and tighter around myself.
I know that I am trying to protect myself...I know that things in my house are changing...I know that one should not carry all of this on ones shoulders alone....I know all of this...and yet I am still under the blanket...
At least today, I have now verbalized it....maybe that will help me really peak my head out from underneath...
Have you ever had one of those days?...weeks?...maybe months?....
BE WELL
I know that I am trying to protect myself...I know that things in my house are changing...I know that one should not carry all of this on ones shoulders alone....I know all of this...and yet I am still under the blanket...
At least today, I have now verbalized it....maybe that will help me really peak my head out from underneath...
Have you ever had one of those days?...weeks?...maybe months?....
BE WELL
Monday..
No chemo today...
Michael's blood count is so out of whack that they had to give him IV fluids today as he is so dehydrated.
Tomorrow he will be getting a blood transfusion....and we are making arrangements to get and IV pick
put in him as it is getting more and more difficult to find a vein for him....
It has been a hard morning....
BUT....the sun is out...the birds are singing...and the snow is melting!
BE WELL
Michael's blood count is so out of whack that they had to give him IV fluids today as he is so dehydrated.
Tomorrow he will be getting a blood transfusion....and we are making arrangements to get and IV pick
put in him as it is getting more and more difficult to find a vein for him....
It has been a hard morning....
BUT....the sun is out...the birds are singing...and the snow is melting!
BE WELL
The show must go on!
Poor little love came down with the flu....So he was not able to do his talent....
To make him feel better I told him that when he feels better MOMA will have
a party and invite the whole family and he can do his skit....He seemed to take
that alright...
To make him feel better I told him that when he feels better MOMA will have
a party and invite the whole family and he can do his skit....He seemed to take
that alright...
Pure Talent...
The little love has a talent show today....Michael and him do a joke act complete with whistles blown at
the right time...sound machines...laughing track and of course what boy doesn't just love a fart machine!
Michael can't do it with him because he just doesn't have the strength so Mommy is doing it with him...and they
will dedicate it to him....Can't wait!!
It is snowing like crazy...but that is not going to stop this upstate New Yorker!
the right time...sound machines...laughing track and of course what boy doesn't just love a fart machine!
Michael can't do it with him because he just doesn't have the strength so Mommy is doing it with him...and they
will dedicate it to him....Can't wait!!
It is snowing like crazy...but that is not going to stop this upstate New Yorker!
Some people ....
Have you ever noticed that some people just know when to give you a hug...say a kind word without you having to say anything?
Have you ever noticed that some people reach out unconditionally without thinking of themselves?
Have you ever noticed that some people can heal your heart with a word...with a touch...by just standing beside you?
Have you ever noticed that sometimes that person can be a complete stranger rather than those closest to you?
Have you ever noticed that some people open up their heart and extend their hand just when you need it the most?
I HAVE!
Let's all try to be that someone today!
BE WELL...
Have you ever noticed that some people reach out unconditionally without thinking of themselves?
Have you ever noticed that some people can heal your heart with a word...with a touch...by just standing beside you?
Have you ever noticed that sometimes that person can be a complete stranger rather than those closest to you?
Have you ever noticed that some people open up their heart and extend their hand just when you need it the most?
I HAVE!
Let's all try to be that someone today!
BE WELL...
what do they have in common?
A blue jay....a rabbit....a squirrel...
They were all spotted in the back yard this morning! Patches of green grass was nibbled...bird seed was
enjoyed and digging for perhaps one of the last acorns that was hid....
Could it be signs of spring?!
ENJOY YOUR DAY!
BE WELL...
They were all spotted in the back yard this morning! Patches of green grass was nibbled...bird seed was
enjoyed and digging for perhaps one of the last acorns that was hid....
Could it be signs of spring?!
ENJOY YOUR DAY!
BE WELL...
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