Not what I had hoped for...

Walking into the Doctor's office today I had great hope that this new cocktail was doing its job to fight ...kill off...to slow down the growth of the protein cells....The office staff was in good spirits...everyone was saying how good Michael looked...the blood was drawn....and we waited....
the first series of tests came back and the white cell and red cell count was holding its own. Which is a pretty good thing, because chemo kills off these healthy cells too ....but the lab was backed up from the holiday because so many people had opted to put their tests off till afterwards that the offices at the clinic were full today....So they sent us home and we were told they would call us with the results of the protein count....So we waited....for 3 hours till the call came....the protein count had gone back up and we will be going for the 2 days of blood washings....This is not what I had hoped for....this is not what I wanted to hear....We are going tomorrow to see if anything can be done about Michael's eyesight...To see if somehow the protein that has built up in the veins behind his eyes can be lessened so that he can see better...and then on Wednesday and Thursday we will do the 3 hours of blood washings each day....Michael is in far better spirits about this than I am...I do not let on how scared I am for him...for myself...I smile...I pat his hand...I wipe the sweat from his head....I kiss him...but life is changing for me, I can feel it...there is some core part of me that is scared to be alone...scared to face all of this...more scared than I have ever been in my life....Even when I was sick I was not this scared...I think that is because I heard the words of hope for myself..."I BELIEVE WE GOT IT ALL" ....with this I now hear..."WE WILL SEE WHAT OTHER OPTIONS MAY BE AVAILABLE TO YOU"...there is such a difference in those two statements....Such a difference knowing that there is NO CURE verses YOU'RE GOING TO BE ALRIGHT....Today, I did not hear what I had hoped for....that does not mean I am giving up HOPE....that just means that I have to readjust...I have to hope that next week will be better...and the week after that...as we get through the next 5 weeks....because after that...we will know....

6 comments:

terri said...

oh pattie.
my gosh.
i'm sure you're scared.
real scared.
and feelin' way way alone.
i'm so sorry.
i'm holding on to the hope too.
you aren't alone. i know it's got
to feel like it...
but you're not.
with you guys in spirit.......

Brenda said...

ah honey------
i am so very sorry that you are so scared--
and so uncomfortable
i love you and want you to know that i am cheering you on
you are so strong
bb

Luna said...

dear friend,
I know you're scared. I'm holding you gently in my heart, waiting WITH you through this.

Just wanted to say I care that you're scared, wishing there was more i could do than just pray and send you love.

much love to you all...
xoxo

suzi blu said...

Big giant hug for you.
Im so glad Barb is your friend you deserve love and light and joy.

xo
sue

Betty Boo's Saying it Outloud said...

I'm so sorry that you didn't get to hear your magic words today. I honestly wish I could do something to make it better, but I can't.

I will send you lots of positive thoughts, warm wishes, blessings, and uplift your name in tons of prayers. I so very much hope that you get to hear those magic words very soon.

I admire your courage, your stength, and how openly you've written about it. With being so open, you are braver than a lot of us. You've endured to much, but you still have the strength and courage to endure more.

I've never met you, and I probably never will, but I still care very much! I wish you all the joy and happiness and love you can handle.

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