40 years ago!!

This is ME....40 years ago!! My senior picture for the year book! Notice how that hair style is back in fashion!! LOL....
I am off to my class reunion of 40 years this Saturday! I had a conversation this morning about the discomfort/comfort of those years...connections and disconnections over the years....Life has a way of going on doesn't it! What we thought was once so important sometimes loses meaning...and the things that we thought we would NEVER do somehow have been done....
40 years! I still see glimpses of that insecure very shy girl....I still feel the passion that she once had/still has....I still hold her in my heart and sooth her when she needs to be...and I still walk in her shoes....she has grown and made a life....one to be proud of even in the face of diversity...

Update...

The Dentist is extremely happy with how Michael is finally healing!! And they are starting the process of molding the impression for this NEW top teeth.....The new game plan for the bottom teeth is that they are going to put small implants around the very loose teeth to loosen them some more so that perhaps they fall out naturally.....sort of like tying a string to your tooth and pulling ...just like when you were a kid....wiggle...wiggle...wiggle...out it pops! (or at least this is the hope!) If he puts these teeth under a pillow I will go broke!! LOL.....Have to laugh at this whole process at this point! Anyhow, the Dentist (whom by the way we really adore!) is a wonderful woman....the one very impressive point is that she takes me aside....in a separate room and explains to me step by step what she is doing and WHY! She really makes ME part of it....and is concerned not only with the work being done on Michael but also the work I have to do as the caregiver....Not to many Doctors take that into consideration....We also talk about details of our lives...children...hobbies...taking it to a bit more of a personal level....which makes us both human! I have to say, I like that! So this process will start next week.....before the chemo restarts which is very important.....the Dentist is going to have a telephone conference with the other 3 Doctors involved and find what will work best for everyone involved....but most importantly what will work best for US! Got to love that!

What I do for FUN!

NOTHING IS SIMPLY BLACK AND WHITE....BY: Patricia J. Mosca
Front...back...sides...and a close up!!
This is what I do for FUN!!

Smooth Sailing!!

Got thru the weekend....got thru the shots....perhaps I did miss my calling of being a Nurse after all!(NOT REALLY!!)...I certainly do not have a fear of giving shots anymore....Fatigue was a big factor however for him this weekend....So I will be glad when his blood counts are done at the Oncologist...We have not had a visit there in a month....and although that is a good thing....it can also play a little guessing game with your head when you start to notice the difference in how he is feeling....I have taken into account the ordeal with the teeth....So I guess I would be tired too!!
Speaking of tired....I am tired of this chair!! LOL....actually I am loving it!! And I promise to post a picture of it....Funny thing....I have been working on the chair non stop this past week, and neighbors have been walking up the driveway to see what the heck it is that I am doing in that garage and see the chair as they do their routine of walking morning and night...The funny thing is that I have lived here 23 years now...the neighbors have changed and these are people I have never met before and probably would never meet.....I have a young couple across the street that I have become good friends with.....they are so nice and have 2 small children....I enjoy them so much the laughter that comes from that house fills my heart....I am not sure if it is because of their religious beliefs or not but they (in their late 20's) are the most giving and caring young people I have had the pleasure of meeting in this neighborhood.....No complaints coming from them at all as they go about their daily life.....A lesson to learn here!
I wonder if I complain....if I moan or look as if I need a helping hand....Some days are better than others I do know that....Today, I will remember to laugh more!!

OK then.....

We received 2 phone calls from Doctors late yesterday afternoon.....and GUESS WHAT?!?!
Have to start up the shot again!! Thrill of thrills!! Seems his levels are low and this is the only way to get them back up....We had blood draws on Thursday, so that is how they found that out! And they increased the pill dosage also.... OK THEN!
The lesson learned....Don't get to comfortable with this process!

No more shots!!

Yes Pat.....NO MORE SHOTS (at least for the moment!) What a relief as he was starting to get really bruised up from them....way to many! Completely back to the oral meds now....and the Dentist gave the thumbs up on the healing today...more stitches removed...controllable bleeding and after 1.5 hours in the chair he is resting now!
Last night our little love came over for dinner.....We had decided that we would buy a tree to go in the new garden I put in the backyard....So we purchased a Japanese Red Maple....The boys dug the hole and filled it with water....placing the tree in the garden....It is now named: THE PAPA AND COLLIN TREE! It is small right now....a little taller than the little love....So, we will watch them both grow!! Hopefully everything will get though the winter intact....and I mean EVERYTHING!
All is good on the home front as I type!!
The chair is coming along.....and I love the graphics now...but the humidity is playing havoc with me, so I can only work on here for a couple hours at a time before I become a puddle of water!
My goal is to have it completely done by the end of the weekend....WISH me luck!

Improvement!

This Beatles song is playing in my head this morning....

"I've got to admit it's getting better...it's getting better all the time....can't get much worse"!

And that is how I feel...A bit positive...A bit negative!...the Dentist says things are coming along....No blood .... No pain....and healing! 3 weeks now into this process. We go again tomorrow....So only twice this week!
I am progressing with the Adirondack chair that I am working on for a fund raiser....and completely changed the theme....finally the title: NOTHING IS EVER SIMPLY BLACK AND WHITE!
A theme that lately has been playing out over and over in my head! When completed I will try to post a picture....I have one more week till the deadline!! LOL....Nothing like adding a little fuel to the fire! But, feeling more comfortable with the design makes things go a lot faster....the humidity is not helping any....so I am only able to work on it an hour here or there to give it enough drying time....Summer in upstate NY has FINALLY arrived! The sun is shining and things are improving!

falling behind....

FOCUS.....FOCUS...FOCUS....
That is what I have been telling myself the past few days.....I have deadlines looming! And I have started some of the projects....then abandoned them!....I dislike them....nothing seems to fill me up....nothing seems to satisfy me....nothing seems to be "good enough"....NOTHING!
I hate that! So I walk away from the projects....I get myself into a mind set that I just won't meet my obligations....I have to much on my plate....life is NOT for my living!!
GOOD THING THAT PASSES!!!
This morning I woke to realize that these projects are not getting done because I am not focusing on ME.....I am not focusing on my art that makes me happy and whole....I am not focusing on a part of ME that needs to be kept alive and flourishing.....Not to mention that the projects that I have deadlines for....WELL....I was trying to go off the beaten path of what I normally do with my art...and today I realized.....WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
I am color....I am full of fun....I am my art....my art is ME.....
SO today.....I have re primed not only the pieces that I am working on.....BUT hopefully myself!
Sometimes you just have to realize when to start OVER and BEGIN AGAIN!

Friday....

And yet another trip to the Dentist!....But she says things are progressing in the right way now...FINALLY! And good news....ONLY 2 more shots in the stomach and then just the oral blood thinning pills.....This has now taken over a week and a half to straighten out....but at least it is coming along....Only 2 visits to the Dentist scheduled for next week.....They are going to hold off on the bottom ones for some time....Not sure what the game plan is at the moment...
I am spinning out of my "funk" slowly also.....The little love (our grandson) has come to stay with us for a couple hours on Thursday and 1/2 the day today...He just might be better than any pill I could possibly take!! He is a very loving boy...full of hugs and kisses....along with a great sense of humor for a 4 year old!! Today, I had to put a transformer together for him (has anyone tried these things...they say they are for 5 year olds....HA!) Anyhow....I usually can figure them out and once I did...he proclaims with a hug and a kiss....MOMA (his name for me) you are amazing! Made me laugh right out loud....We got talking about making milk shakes and so we got out the blender...seems he had never seen one before, so we let him push the buttons....and was thrilled with the process of making the shake....afterwards saying....I've got to get one of them babies!
JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED! I'm still smiling!

At a snails pace....

Back to the Dentist today....they work on him for about an hour each time....things are improving...slowly....slowly....slowly....and we have to go back on Friday....The Dentist says that he is improving...but certainly not as well as expected nor as timely as expected....but improving none the less....Not sure how much longer we will have to go before the stitches can be taken out. And hopefully the blood thinners will be regulated soon so these shots in this stomach can be stopped.
They are not fun for either of us....
I am feeling a bit overwhelmed again today...realizing that perhaps my depression level has been altered...I can usually pull myself up and out of these fairly easily (having once suffered from both depression and anxiety attacks and no longer on any medications for these) but this one is harder to shake....My hair stylist noticed that I also have signs of my Aleopecia returning....For those who do not know what this is....your hair falls out in round spots...7 years ago I completely lost all my hair to Aleopecia (and I do MEAN ALL MY HAIR on my entire body!)....and it took some 3 years to actually come back (which surprised the Doctor)
I had grown accustomed to NOT having hair...and to NOT wearing a wig when I started sprouting hair....and now the thoughts of this happening again causes me some discomfort. I know I am NOT defined by my hair....but I was getting comfortable with having it! A lot of what they believe about Alopecia is that it is caused by stress.....GO FIGURE!
Think I just might need a BIG NAP today!

A lesson in gratitude....

This came across my mail today.....We always THANK veterans....hope this moves you to also... (30 second video)... Have you ever seen one of our military walking past you and wanted to convey to them your thanks, but weren't sure how, or it felt awkward? Recently, a gentleman from Seattle created a gesture which could be used to express your thanks and has started a movement to get the word out.. Please everybody take just a moment to watch..... The Gratitude Campaign ...and then forward it to your friends! THEN START USING THE SIGN.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSfFYxSdKdo

******sorry....for whatever reason blogger will not let me upload this....so you will need to copy and paste it to your browser.....

Visits...

We were out of the house at 10:30....returning at 4:30! ....Lots of Doctors today!! Originally we only had the eye Doctor visit today...fitting for glasses that might help his one good eye....but we had to go to the Dentist....and he is starting to heal (finally) He is not out of the woods yet by any means but the area is looking better....He will continue on a new mouth med for another 7 days and we will be back at the Dentist on Wednesday and Friday....We had to do blood work, so they can start to get him back on a schedule for his blood thinner meds....and we had to go to the Doctor....PHEW!
I think I might just see if the car can automatically drive itself to the offices next time....LOL
Anyhow...things are improving ....but we still have to have a game plan for the bottom teeth....and I know that they will not be doing it all at once....they are thinking that perhaps they will put him right in the hospital next time...this way he would be monitored 24 hours.....
Michael said they use to have a saying in Viet Nam...."this shit ain't fun anymore"..... He is feeling that way again....and I can't say I blame him at all....

Sending out cheers...

We got through the weekend!! Did NOT have to go to the Emergency room....HIP-HIP-HOORAY!
Tomorrow is another day at the Dentist.....they will be doing blood work also to get him back on his meds...slowly...carefully....
On a happy note...I finished the garden that I was planting to flank my new walkway...and in front of my house (I tore out scrubs that were 22 years old) and started from scratch....I found the coolest solar lights that change an array of colors(red...green...blue...white) that are glass orbs... I love them....This has been my saving grace this summer....So, I am starting on another one in the back yard....I mean....why not! LOL...What else do I have to do?!?! (that was a joke son!)
Life this summer has been a series of ups and downs....in all aspects of my life...I am trying very hard to stay on the positive side of things...hoping against all odds that things will work out and that everything will return to some sort of "normal"...(whatever that is!! LOL)
Thank you to all who have stood by and supported me....who have held me up when I was down...who have wrapped their arms around me when I needed emotional support....who have shown me a tenderness that touches me deeply.....THANK YOU!

Dental Day 4....

We have been at the VA dental every day since the surgery.....today was the complete day....
Michael is not clotting properly because of the blood thinners.....Once again they had to stop the bleeding today....new meds were ordered....the Oncologist...the Dentist...the Doctor (and perhaps an Indian Chief) all had a phone conversation and it was debated if he should go in the hospital or not....Of course Michael vote was a NO.....Finally after getting things under control once again they decided to send him home with specific instructions not to bend down...no heavy lifting....no strenuous activity...medication every 6 hours....and if any bleeding occurs....STRAIGHT TO EMERGENCY!! They have taken him off his blood thiners and of course that is something we have to watch for because of the embolisms......
And we still have the bottom teeth to go.........
HELLO.....Can anyone say OVERWHELMED?!?!

24 hours later...

24 hours later....we are back at the dentist office.....(after hours) I have to say first that the VA was excellent with us tonight....Michael started bleeding badly from his gums.....the Doctor went straight to the office and some 2 1/2 hours later he is home resting....His gums would not clot because of the blood thinners....so they had to take all the stitches out....then get the bleeding to stop...repack the opening....restitch....and then they made an impression of his gums and made a template that would cover the stitches...put that in place so that there will be constant pressure on his gums.....we will be back at the office at 9:00 tomorrow morning.....checking on the progress...
He will have to go to the dentist every day to make sure this heals.....
One heck of an evening!!.....
I feel bad for him....as there is nothing I can do to help this situation....can't take the pain away...
can't make him comfortable....but at least I know that the VA is on top of this and the dentist and her assistant were so kind and wonderful....that at least helped ease us through this....
There will have to be a new game plan for the bottom teeth.....that will be discussed tomorrow....
For now....only jello...pudding....ice cream and pain pills!

Surgery Went Well...

Michael is resting comfortably this afternoon.....The surgery took about 2 hours...and the dentist took out all of the remaining top teeth...Once she started to take the teeth out and saw that he was tolerating everything well, and saw the amount of damage to the bones in his mouth...she felt it important to go as far as she could today (which will make the Oncologist happy as she wanted it all done at once...I can't even imagine that pain!)....I believe he had 8 top teeth removed. (There were already quite a few missing) The dentist packed his mouth and stitched him up....He has all sorts of medication and mouth washes....we will return on Friday to get the stitches removed and check on the healing process....and then they will set up the time and date for the removal of the bottom teeth that remain....