You know what they say....

You know what they say....that S#*%! rolls down hill....Today, was the perfect example of it...I have been trying to find a place to put the hurt from yesterday...trying to recover...We had a meeting with the VA office today to fill out some more paper work and just as we were walking out the door...I was asked ..."DO YOU HAVE THIS OR THAT WITH YOU?" Well...I tell you I lost it...I played the pity card...why is it I have to take care of everything? card....How unfair was that...right in the middle of all this I have to turn bitchy and self-centered??? I was having a bad day still from yesterday...and I took it out...(the S#*%! rolling down hill) on someone who can't remember much of anything anymore!! Did I feel like a total jerk???? YES!!! But it ended up better...I apologized... I made it very clear that I was still carrying around the hurt...and that I did not mean to take it out on him, but I was tired...tired of all the running...tired of being responsible for everything...tired of hurting...tired of dealing with this as the ONLY caregiver without a single break (which is really not true because I do get some time to myself) It is funny (not ha-ha funny mind you) what we do to the people we love...how we react and think that it is ok at times...This was one of those times when I thought I was watching a bad movie as I did it...and I could not walk away....But it ended up better...He understood...he consoled ME...he comforted ME...and for the first time in a very long time I felt loved...and that how I felt mattered...

3 comments:

Luna said...

Darling Pattie, SHIT HAPPENS when we have other plans!! Be as gentle with yourself as you are with others! Actually, if you think about it, you "losing it" gave him the chance to be the strong one at a time when he is feeling very weak. A blessing in disguise! I think you're amazing, and beautiful, and strong, and perfectly human! All the love I can muster is sent winging your way tonight! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Swestie said...

Hang in!

terri said...

it sucks, pattie....
and you're feelin' it.
and you're feelin' all the
darn side things that suck too.
you lost it.
who wouldn't, ya know?
who wouldn't.

how great you could write about it.
and give us a chance to remind you
that you are loved..
and you do matter......