Off to join the circus!

I remember when I was little and something went wrong so that my parents were mad at me for something...I would want to run mother would ask...."Where are you going to go? Are you going to go off to join the circus?"....Where was I going to go? So I would sit in my secret spot (not so secret because everyone knew where it was...but it was my spot) and I would let whatever emotions out that needed to come out till finally I could face the world again....Today, is one of those days....I want to run away...go off and join the circus....Michael does not always say what he thinks...but thinks he does or has...Today, I had errands to run...custom orders to know some of the mundane of life...but it gives me an opportunity to get out of the house even if it is for a short time....Today I got yelled at for not taking him along...He does not get out of the car when I run errands...and today I was going to be gone longer and it was 45 degrees outside....not a day to be sitting in the car...not to mention the pressure I feel about getting things done hurriedly because he is waiting in the car...and then I usually forget something and have to make another trip, I just needed this little alone time...I tried to explain that this was not a good day to come with me...that I would be gone longer than usual...that it was to cold outside (and due to his poor circulation he cannot get cold)
that the visiting nurse would be there soon and I wanted to do these things in the morning and not later in the day (when he usually is so much more tired anyhow) but I still got yelled at...I still was the mean girl...I still did not understand...I still was taking things away from him...I still was.....So today....I wanted to get in that car and take the day and run off and join the circus!! Or at the very least find a spot where I could let whatever emotions come out that needed to come out so that I could face the world again....BRING IN THE CLOWNS!! I need a good laugh!!


Charlie said...

Well, I do not think you should have been yelled at. That is not right. They have to know you are under a lot of stress. This is wonderful you are venting in this journal. I know you cant say anything to them but at least you can say it here.

Pat Dalke said...

Dear Patti:

On Monday the woman that has been dating my son Dan for a year and a half called to say that she had gone to a party on Saturday night with someone else and she just wanted to be friends with Dan. She said she couldn't "do this" with him anymore, she had to pull back and take care of her kids and herself.

It was a very rough summer for Dan with most of his time spent in the hospital and most of that time feeling very, very puny.

Then this fall came more hospital with the allogeneic stem cell transplant. He's down to 163 pounds that makes him look very skeletal.

This week and I suspect for weeks to come he will be mourning the loss of his friend Tina. He talks about how grateful he is for what she gave him in that year and a half. He says he understands how she feels when he looks in the mirror.


As a caretaker I've felt blessed to have an outlet in my creativity, a very long time ago I earned a BA in fine arts and then spent a lifetime working to help support our family in a field that had nothing to do with what I really loved. I feel blessed to be able to escape for a short time in the world of my thoughts worked out on paper in front of me. I feel blessed by my friends that listen to me and this helps to keep me strong and able to move into the next day with Dan.

Dan's options have narrowed so much, right now he can't even read because of the drugs that create a lack of focus and feeling of fuzziness in his head.

One thing that Dan did this week was to let some of his close friends know how much he was hurting and three of them watched a football game with him last night. Good medicine, I heard them laughing up in his room. Good medicine for me too because I was able to sit guilt free and watch CSI.

This morning when we were at the clinic his nurse practioner told me that these journeys with cancer are very tough on relationships.

Here's to starting another day with new thoughts and new insights. I only wish the trees where still dressed in their brightly colored outfits. I loved filling my eyes with all that color.